one down...two to go

So I made it through another night of work...feeling exhausted..and not looking forward to another night...then another...I'm just telling myself two more and it's over for good. At 4am tonight I'll be almost there. It was really nice yesterday though, many of my regular customers brought me flowers and expressed how much they would miss me...very nice, but I'm sure any new girl pouring drinks will be just the same. I really can't predict how I will be feeling on Sunday, when we're driving away....looking back over my shoulder to see NYC slowly diminish in the horizon. Ok...I'm being a bit dramatic. I thought I would feel a little more...sad maybe? ....about leaving my job. I've known these people for 3 years....I look around every night there and say, "wow...I'll miss this, wont I?" Then I don't have the feelings to match. I guess thats when you know you're really ready to let go....it just happens.

Daydream: I can't believe there will really be grass...

I know my dogs will be happy when we move to the new place...concrete walks just don't cut it. It's funny how things happen. I received an email yesterday from a production company I worked with saying one of our films is doing really well, and it will be in Blockbuster, and is already on Netflix. Ok not a big deal to others I'm sure, but a film going to the video store is great. So many are made that go nowhere! I've even gotten calls for new auditions, and it all happens when I decide to let it go. Isn't that just the way life works? Whatever, I made my decision and I'm sticking to it. I have 3 more nights of bartending, and then it's gone for good. Thankfully! It's a fun job, and the money is more than amazing, you wouldn't believe! But I am really just so over it. I only work there 2 days a week, but even that is enough. I have a friend that is away in Rome this week, so I'm covering his shift tomorrow night. So three days in a row of working until 4am...great NYC, we're always open till 4. Sunday morning we are started to move around 7am, so I'm sure I will be so pleasant to be around...watch out! I'll take lots of pics...as I always do....

what are they teaching in school these days?

So I get up this morning from the worst sleep I've ever had. Moving furniture and packing boxes has stirred up an unbelievable amount of dust! And I am a clean freak. My apartment is always spotless...but I guess this stuff was hiding under things. So my eyes are itchy and I sneeze every two seconds, it's awful! I head to the drugstore to pick up some benadryl and more cleaning products and I'm walking down my street and get hit in the back with a football. I add to my checklist another reason I'm happy to be leaving NY. Let me explain...I live next door to an elementary school. During recess, they block off the street and allow the little tyrants to play in the street! I have never been so harrassed in my life, and by freakin' kids! Not even the neighborhood crazies are as bad. Who raises these little monsters?? I've had little girls circle me chanting, "go suck a dick bitch!" This happens on a regular basis. Today, during my sneezing fit they just thought it would be a riot to throw a football at my head. So damn funny you little shits. Good riddens!

WO Nelly!

5 Days and counting until the big move! Still packing...cleaning, nothing exciting. Mom is ok too by the way. The cyst was benign! Thank God! But I guess because she even had a cyst with atypical cells she's at a higher risk for getting cancer later on. So keep up on those gyno visits ladies! Thanks for all of your well wishes, much appreciated!

I want to be a Ballerina when I grow up.

What? It's too late?? I'm grown up already? Damn it! I hate when that happens! So really...my latest pondering is what career I want to go into, now that I'm leaving Manhattan. For the past 8 yrs. I was modeling and acting. I've had some success...mostly a lot of independent films that get made and disappear into the indie film black hole never to be seen again...unless of course you become famous...then they resurface to haunt you....ie: Jennifer Aniston in leprechaun, need I say more? As for the modeling, I have a great portfolio and magazine tearsheats....enough to make Granny proud that she can keep in a drawer and embarrass me with friends and neighbors. Before I moved to NYC, after graduating high school, I was enrolled at UCONN nursing school. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do, so it was an easy choice...just to choose what my mother does...she's an RN. When I had the opportunity to move to NY and travel around the world...it all sounded so glamorous. There were times when it was, I saw amazing things...met interesting people. I did have to grow up very quickly though, there is so much about the business that fits every stereo type you've ever heard. It's a very fast paced life...no time to stop and appreciate what is really important. It is a rat race. You're only as good as your last job. It didn't make me happy...and I have no drive to get ahead. To make it in the business you have to have a passion for it, and understand that you may never make it. You could eat Ramen for the next 10yrs...and may never get a big break...but thats still ok. All the more power to the people that hold out for that.....the small chance...that it could happen. So back to what I want to do now?? The thought of 9-5's scare me...but maybe I'm just scared of the unknown...something I've never done. I will go back to school to finish my degree....I just need to figure out what kind of degree I'm going to get.

crap stuff and more shit...

I think you never know how much stuff you really have until you move. I have so much just plain crap shoved into corners, under the bed, in the closets....cabinets... I really started packing today...already have huge boxes filled, and the apartment still looks full. Husband says when we pick up the Uhaul, we'll have it all out within an hour max...he's nuts! I give it three....if we're on speed with 10 people helping. My brother is coming to help...and thats all. Yeah, we'll see... Surgery went ok with mom yesterday. She wont find out the results until Tuesday, but the doctor thinks it's benign...I'll feel relieved after hearing the results.

waiting is the worst!

My mother is at the hospital now having surgery. She went to the doctor for a lump she found in her breast.... they did a biopsy to find a-typical cells. They can't tell if it's cancerous or not, so they want to go in and remove it all and get a closer look. It's a scary thing. I hate waiting...I"m not sure when she'll be out, but hopefully I will hear soon. I know a few girls that have all found lumps in their breasts and they all turned out to be nothing, so I'm praying!! Husband and I picked up boxes yesterday. We need to start packing sometime soon. I think we have more stuff than we realize. We have decided Oct.2 is going to be moving day. I'm not so nervous anymore. More excited...hopefully that will last.

Breakin' the news...

So last night I met some people out that I work with for my belated bday/ "break the news I'm moving" get together. By the way, I bartend part time. I went out thinking how depressing it was. The weather felt great...people were out walking around...damn I was going to miss all of this. Then I got to the bar to see so many people show up, just to see me, and I thought, "wow, I'm lucky." How could I possibly leave this? But then after a few kettle and sodas...even a few shots of Jameson...I quickly grew bored! I was ready to go home to see Husband who was sleeping....he works early. I love my friends here, but I'm ready to move on. Just as they would if the opportunity ever came up. After hugs, kisses, and promises of visits...to what seems like another world to New Yorkers....I walked...ok stumbled, out of the bar and felt good that I was headed for something new....with a freakin headache.

New Place

I thought I would show a few pics of the new place....it really is beautiful....I can at least say that much. These are pics from the apartment website...but it really does look the same in person, picturesque!

Shakin in my Manolos'

So yesterday Husband and I put a deposit on a new apartment in CT. He has decided to accept the job. It seems like the most positive move we can make in our lives now....so why am I soooo damn scared!? I've been in NYC since I was 18....and it's been one long party. I came here modeling and acting, and had a great time. There are more important things to me in life now, and I am no longer satisfied with an unstable career. When you're in the entertainment industry sometimes you have a few great months, working and making money....but then you never know when the next job is coming. I would like to know that there is a paycheck coming every week....at least some kind of stability. It has also given me a distorted self image...I always feel sooo old. It's not so much that every other actor is younger than me, most people here lie about their age, and I have too. So I'm admitting it now...I'm 27 yrs. old! Husband is also dying to have a kid....and with our apartment now, it would have to sleep in the bathtub...and play catch on the fire escape. I guess CT is not so far either....if I start having withdrawls....NY is just a short ride, a state away. I think all this talk is trying to calm my nerves right now! It's definitely going to take some getting used to. We may be going as soon as two weeks.....ahhhhh.

One day closer...

So today is my birthday. I'm in CT staying with my sister...spent some time with the mother and new step dad...tomorrow some time with Dad...and soon to be step mom. Still so strange, they only divorced two years ago. Whatever, as long as they're happy.

Husband and I looked at a few apartments today. Very big...and great prices....but you could sell me a shoe box with a bottle cap filled with water, and tell me it was a luxury pad with a pool, and I'd believe you. After 9 years in Manhattan, your judge of a good deal becomes a bit distorted. They did offer Husband a job at one of the companies he interviewed with, the pay is good. We are still feeling hesitant though. Change is hard. Exciting, but hard. Can I really leave the city? I probably will. And I will probably cry for the first month. I will probably be bored...and I will probably try to run back at least 5 times before I settle in. I think I'm up for the challenge.

Off to bed....
Happy Birtday to me....
one day closer...
to being a real adult...
to finding myself...
to a new life...

Is your grass greener?

So I need to know now? Do you have greener grass than me??....I don't want my husband lookin in the future! So I just spoke with one of my best friends, that lives in LA LA land (los angeles people) and she informed me of what a horrible person she was. She cheated on her live in boyfriend of years...and they own a house together, so thats pretty damn close to married. This is the same little girl I met 9 years ago....living with a husband that cheated on her....something she would never ever do. After great persistent reasoning, she finally left that shit hole drug dealing cheating of a man....and moved on. It just made me think is there anyone that would honestly never cheat, given the perfect situation...person...environment...cocktail? Do you ever really know someone? Are our eyes always open to what we don't have? I've been cheated on....I've cheated...not proud, but it happens....never cheated on my husband....and am proud of that! My father cheated on my mother...aunts, uncles...who doesn't cheat??? Tell me? Does anyone anywhere...years and years down the road, ever lose the urge...or idea, that life would only be better if? My dad thought the grass was greener....only to find out it may be green and new...but not without the proper care too! I'm just ranting now...I don't judge...everyone has their own reasoning behind their actions. My friend is moving out of her home now....and for the first time in a long time, she is feeling in control of her life...making decisions for herself....thats definitely an improvement from the meek girl I met so many years ago. So maybe we do learn something from our mistakes....or maybe they are not mistakes... I wonder the statistic of people that have cheated and had life turn out better than it was before....or how many people think it was the biggest mistake?

Remembering September 11th...

So everyone has their own story, from being there to watching on tv....how it felt and still affects them today. For the past few days, actually years, this event stands strong in my mind...and spirit. Here is my story... It was 8am and I was downtown, working P.R. for a company and had just arrived at work....A little later on, one of my co-workers that had a sister working at a local hospital, called him to say a plane had hit a tower and they were getting ready to assist anyone that was hurt that would be rushed in. We ran out of the building to see for ourselves. Right in plain view...I looked up to see smoke billowing from one of the buildings and a gaping hole. I gasped...shocked and scared. I immediately called my father, he seems to know what to say to make sense of things....at this point we thought it was an accident. The phone call was hard to get through, we didn't realize why the cells weren't working. But finally I heard his voice and cried, "Dad, the people above the hole!, how will they get out?!" This comment sticks in my mind, I had no idea how bad it would get. I saw another aircraft coming towards the buildings...and in my mind all I thought was rescue....or something to put out the fire. Seeing the explosion of the plane crashing into the other building, I realized how wrong I was. We heard on car radios that we were under attack. My heart raced not knowing what would happen next! My coworkers and I grabbed our things and began to walk, there was no transportation...we just had to get out of the area. We were running...as we kept stopping to look behind us....it all seemed to happen so fast....people were jumping...falling...people were running covered in soot....everything was so surreal. I was passing hundreds of people on the street, I was walking fast...but felt like I wasn't moving...I saw a girl I went to highschool with....supermodels on the street, celebrities....just running past all of these people like a dream. I turned around again to look back....everything was quiet...all of our eyes on the same thing. We all screamed and dropped to our knees, and our hearts sank as we saw the clouds of crumbling debris as the buildings finally collapsed. I can't explain or describe what it was like to see it....nor can I describe what it was like for the people who were running out of these buildings. As horrible as it was to be there, I'm happy I was. I was part of NY, and I was here to support everyone and this city in it's time of need. I still love it here with all of my heart, its one of if not the greatest city in the world. I can no longer fly without having panic attacks...I'm not afraid of highjackers...just seeing planes explode has embedded a fear in my subconcious that I'm not sure will ever leave. The months after the attack were the most touching. The way people came together...New Yorkers helping each other, saying hello on the street...just a smile to let each other know how connected were are. I was so proud to be a part of that. So my friends that were there, and everyone in the country that shared our pain, we'll never forget, and thats a promise.

Not gonna happen.

So my dreams of being a full time shoe buyer (for myself) have gone down the drain. My husband didn't get the "amazing job". Due to lack of experience for that particular location, they are still interested in him....but want us to maybe relocate somewhere else. The only reason we have chosen to leave NYC was to be closer to family, and have more space. But to move to another state...with no city...and know no one?? Please!!

Friday morning he still has a meeting with the second company, that have basically offered him the job....doesn't pay as much as the first...which sucks...but it still pays well. I joke about sitting around doing nothing....being a housewife with a sugardaddy....but I would hate it! I would be bored out of my mind. So I'll go back to school, finish getting my degree...in something, and make a damn good life for myself. So look out CT, here I come.

Holy Cow...

So last night I dreamed of the suburbs...well, what I thought was the suburbs....I think it was more the country...since I was alone with a cow. That may sound discouraging...but I'm actually excited at the prospect of a new life. I do love the city, but I think I'll love even more having family nearby, BBQ's- that don't take place hanging out your window on a fire escape, or someone's tar roof top. A yard for my dog's to play in, though when we go on vacation they have to find concrete to pee on....so not accostomed to grass!

My husband hasn't heard from the "amazing job opportunity." But he did hear from another company...still great, but having someone dangle an offer of a lot of money in front of your face, it takes a minute to get used to the other job again. We're going to CT this weekend, for my birtday and for him to have a final interview with this other company to dicuss final considerations.

On another note....can you go through withdrawls from stopping birth control pills? I was told my body probably needed a break after taking them for 10 years...wow, that seems like a long time...since my mother first asked me how far I had "gotten" with my highschool boyfriend. Please mom! Third base, OK?!! Time for the pill she said...better than babies. And here I am today....three days sober...(from my pills)....and I think my body is craving! Headaches....oh lord....maybe I'm just imagining...maybe just one more pill...

You can take the girl out of the city...but you can't take the sOuL

So today may be the day. Hopefully my husband will hear if he got this amazing job opportunity in CT. I can't even believe we are even considering moving out of NYC. After 9 years here, 9 long years......9 amazingly eventful years.....I am thinking of moving to the suburbs!! Bigger living spaces....trees....cleaner air....better to have kids....trees.....blah blah blah. I'm actually very torn. I love Manhattan with all of my soul. I live and breathe city streets, shopping, deli coffee, 24 hr. food delivery....partying till 4am...then after hours....the diversity of the people....the crazy possiblity that any given day, you do not and can not predict what will happen....who you will meet. I came here a teenager....wide eyed with big dreams. I'm leaving.....smarter, more cultured, a critical thinker, compassionate....and a little jaded. I'm no longer a child, but this Saturday will be 27 and a newlywed of a couple of months. Thank you New York....for taking me in, making me one of your own....and sending me off in true NY fashion....with a big heart, great style and a chip on my shoulder.