just some news

Thanks to all of your advice and understanding about my stupid girl behavior in my last post. I actually am over it already. It just all surfaced when my friend called to tell me about him all over again. You know sometimes you just don't ever want to hear about someone again...out of sight out of mind. It's just better that way.

So I've been trying to decide wether or not I was going to post this next piece of information. But I've decided again, this is my blog diary and I can write what I want. I found out a couple of days ago that husband and I are going to have a baby. My weird cravings and erradic behavior had nothing to do with the moon...or going mental. I actually have a real excuse. It's very early...only about 4 wks., I know you're not supposed to even talk about these things until it's further along, but I figure I'm gonna need to talk good or bad, so there it is. I'm freakin' pregnant.

So, how am I feeling? Not too different at all. I am a little nervous, and a little excited. Husband is very happy, as is all of our family. We are both the oldest on both sides, so it will be the first grandchild. I'm off to work now, I think I'll be keeping it to myself for a while. We'll see how far I can go before I start showing.


Oh lord...city soul...is having a suburb baby.

heartbreaker

Have you ever had anyone break your heart? Now I don't mean just break it...I mean pull it out of your chest...juggle it around...pretend to love it...then throw it on the ground and stomp it? The kind of relationship that still haunts your mind on more occasions than you wish to admit?

Well, I haven't. No I'm lying. I have and was unfortunately reminded of it today. It started years ago when I came back to the US from working in Tokyo. I was at a photoshoot for YM magazine. He was 28yrs. old, strikingly handsome, and being shot for the bad boy editorial...suprise!

Husband and I had been dating, but were breaking up...and he was on his way to move to LA. It was the perfect time for the perfect rebound relationship to progress. We'll call bad boy, Ashley...because he has one of those dumb girl names. We'll call his last name Bashley...since his ugly first girl name rhymes with his last....NO JOKE! (Ashley Bashley is a made up name to protect the not so innocent.)

Ashley called to have me meet him out in a club one Friday night. I took my drunk, brings home strange men, vomits on the bathroom floor, walks around naked, grandma made me let her move in for a month cousin, Joy. I couldn't show up lookin' fabulous all alone...even if I didn't like to hang with her. Anyway, point of the story is...Ashley and I spent the night dancing, talking...some kissing...and realizing how much we were meant to be together. Later in the night I went to the restroom and he disappeared. He called me the next morning complaining that he couldn't find me anywhere, and just left. He wanted to take me to dinner that night. This was the beginning of our relationship...and what a great start.

Years later, from one of his friends...I found out he went home with another girl....someone that just offered to sleep with him. Ashley broke up with me twice...broke my heart a million times. I could never figure out why I was so weak with him. After all that he did...all of the lies he probably told..I let him hurt me. Maybe it's something to do with my lack of love from my father...looking to make someone love me who wouldn't...or any of that psychobabble.

Ashley called me in NY a month before husband and I got married...he was in town, since he had just moved to LA. ( I know, everyone moves to LA) He wanted to meet for a drink, and just catch up. Since we hadn't dated in years...I thought I would show up...looking fabulous again...and make him cry for not having me in his life now. He had over the past few years tried to win me back...flowers, proposals (fake I'm sure)...but hey, I'm a smart girl...it only takes me 3 or 4 times to get it. I thought I'll see him this last time. Well, I waited...at my bar where he was supposed to meet me...for an hour. He never showed. I was angry...and somewhat worried, since he was the one bugging me to meet up with him. He didn't even call.

He called and emailed a few days later with some bogus story. Me wanting to tell him off, but my smart sister convincing me to take control of the freakin' situation and let it go...to let him go, for good. That meant no calling, no accepting phone calls...no emailing...completely cut off. I have to say when I read his last email, and my finger reluctantly hit delete, I did feel some sense of power. "Hey, I'm choosing to let go of this manipulation." "you are not right for me, you're not good enough for me." Sounds stupid, but it really was empowering. I was saying it's ok if you don't love me. I don't know why it was so important to make him love me. It was always me leaving relationships, if someone did love me, I was turned off, and would break it off. But this I love you, I don't...had me entrapped.

One of my girlfriends...that also lives in LA, called me today, saying she worked at a bar with Ashley last night. He was shocked to hear I gave up my career, got married and moved to CT. Not sure what else. She said he asked alot about me...it gave me a punch in the gut to just hear his name again. If I'm honest, I want to think it hurt him to think of me married to someone else. I wish more that she hadn't told him anything about me. I liked the idea of him not knowing where I am, what I doing, or who I'm with. Just him not knowing, made me happy. I guess a little bit glad he knows. He'll probably never write again...or send some hello text message at 1am. Even though it let me know he was thinking about me....even if I didn't respond.

It's such a dumb thing to have gone through. I get mad at myself thinking how stupid I was. I get mad thinking about how it still bothers me. I don't know...I just felt like talking. This isn't the kind of thing you talk about with your husband. Thanks for listening.

I'm so weird

Today is my first day off of three in a row from work! How nice is that. How am I spending my time? So far I've eaten a corndog for breakfast...and leftover chinese at 11am...along with a cup of coffee. I'm such a classy lady, I can't handle myself. I've been acting a little off lately...not quite sure what it is. I could be hosting a parasite...or something like one that would make hubby jump with joy. Other than that not much going on at the moment...I'll write more later when my brain cells return to form complete thoughts....they've seem to have also taken a vacation from work.

home alone

Thanks for all of your nonjudgemental support! I appreciate all of the advice...and what a strange place to find it...in a machine. Anyway, husband and I have discussed his brother and the situation many times. He spoke with him last night and told him if he wanted to come, to move here to CT that is, he would need to help out. Bro has to go back to Kansas, save up some money and at least buy a car. If he does all of that, he is welcome to come, we will help out finding a job, and a place to stay while he looks for something of his own. Sounds fair to me. Not sure how Mother in law is going to like it. I'm sure she'll think it's my doing...because she never "raised them to be that way." So of course it must be me. But whatever, for the time being...all is well. That's all we can do right?...appreciate the moments without chaos. Ok, leaving you with a few pics from our storm last week...hoping it's the last. Aren't you jealous!

Where is the love?

This holiday my husband and I have been dealing with a major disagreement. Maybe I'm being selfish...Maybe unfair. If I am, please...Feel free to tell me.
My husband has a mother that is an alcoholic, gambling addict, that only calls when she needs something. He had a very difficult childhood. He is the product of a one night stand. He has two brothers. They all have different fathers. They were very close growing up, and took care of each other. I guess Husband, being the oldest was more of a father figure. Their lives were the most normal at one point when their mother married a man that cared for her, and took care of the family. He died when they were young, having a heart attack in front of them, passing away on their living room floor. From then on their mother went downhill and has been mentally and emotionally unstable. She still to this day uses her husband's death as an excuse to not deal with life. She was molested by her father as a child, among other hardships. Husband left home after highschool, was scouted by a modeling agency and traveled the world working and visiting exotic locations. I guess in some ways he made it out. His brothers, both younger have had troubles making anything happen in their lives. Neither have kept jobs for very long. Husband, ever since I have know him, has sent money on command...and opened our home, many times, for mom and both brothers to come and live...with us. It has never worked out. They didn't work....or maybe NYC just wasn't a good place to be. One of his brothers...29yrs. old, living in Colorado now, hasn't paid the bills and is getting booted out. He doesn't want to move back home, (Kansas) but now wants to come and live with us....on our couch! We rent a two bedroom/two bathroom condo. My brother is in school...and is RENTING our other bedroom for the moment, because he can't afford to live on his own. My mother is building a house, and my brother will live with her when it is finished. There are 3 of us in our home now. I can't help not wanting a grown man living in our home, on our couch. He came to live with us once before, chain smoked and had a bad attitude. He didn't work...and didn't work hard enough at finding a job. Husband's mother now believes that I am a big part of the reason he is distanced from them. Maybe I am. He says if it was my family there would be no question...they would be here, and I would be taking care of them. Ok...maybe I would...but this isn't the first time with his family. It isn't the second! How long do we have to take care of them...grown adults? They have no handicaps, no diseases...nothing to feel bad about. Husband says he feels responsible for them...he always will. I can't help but sound like this is a burden. Husband wants a child now. How can we have a family of our own? This is so frustrating. Am I really being selfish? I understand life is hard...and sometimes we need a little help...where do we draw the line?

I'm alive.

Ok, so the car is fine...and the stove is no longer igniting itself. Just in case anyone was wondering. But I did get the flu. Obviously positive thinking can't exactly fight off germs. Husband got it bad...I took vitamins and told my body not to let those little buggers in...body ignored me. A few days of a sore throat and coughing fits...body aches that could take down a giant...and I'm feeling up to sitting in a computer chair.

I cannot wait for Spring! I'm sure many of you are feeling that also. Not that it has been a painful winter. Husband and I did move from NYC to CT in October. One of the main reasons we wanted to move here was for the outdoors. I love nature...trees...water...etc. NYC you can get a bit of that in Central Park, but it's really not the same. Our move in Fall, didn't give us anytime to fully enjoy it. Now I think I'm getting ahead of myself. Whenever I see the sun shining I drive with the sunroof open. I think I'm getting frostbite. Warm weather is so nice. I really am just so excited for it to come.

So here's to positive thinking....spring...please oh please...come early!

quick stuff.

So I'm beginning to think someone is trying to tell me something. Last night my husband and I went out to dinner...We had sushi...yum...actually our first time going since moving from the city. On our way home....our NEW car, decided to "put put putter" out...and just die! We restarted it, and pulled into the nearest gas station. We called our warranty number...that tried to get us a tow, only to have the tow company call us to say no one could come because they didn't have a driver. Ok, no problem. We called our insurance...to have the tow people call us to say they couldn't come either. We then called our brother-in-law, that works for the company that sold us the car...he came to get us. Honda is now taking care of all of it for us. But come on! Another car with problems? Bro in law, said the car is acting fine today, but they are still going to work it over. Hmmm...strange.

Husband and I get home last night, just laughing off our luck, since that's about all you can do, when my brother came over. He walked into the kitchen and said, "why is the stove on?" The GAS stove burner, was on full flame to where the flames were jumping off the burner. Two minutes before he went in there, I went to the fridge to get a glass of water....with the lights off. If the stove had been on, I would have seen it!!! Who the hell turned it on? Now you can say maybe I bumped it. No, not even close. Even if you brushed yourself against the knob nothing would happen. For those of you that have a gas stove, or any stove, you have to push the button in, then turn it all the way around to have it on full blast. So what is going on? Am I cursed or something? All these weird things keep happening.

I have to go to work now. Jen I didn't ignore your perfect lover tag, I just haven't had time. Hopefully I can get around to it....since talking about a lover sounds a lot more fun!

Wish me luck today!