Where is the love?
This holiday my husband and I have been dealing with a major disagreement. Maybe I'm being selfish...Maybe unfair. If I am, please...Feel free to tell me.
My husband has a mother that is an alcoholic, gambling addict, that only calls when she needs something. He had a very difficult childhood. He is the product of a one night stand. He has two brothers. They all have different fathers. They were very close growing up, and took care of each other. I guess Husband, being the oldest was more of a father figure. Their lives were the most normal at one point when their mother married a man that cared for her, and took care of the family. He died when they were young, having a heart attack in front of them, passing away on their living room floor. From then on their mother went downhill and has been mentally and emotionally unstable. She still to this day uses her husband's death as an excuse to not deal with life. She was molested by her father as a child, among other hardships. Husband left home after highschool, was scouted by a modeling agency and traveled the world working and visiting exotic locations. I guess in some ways he made it out. His brothers, both younger have had troubles making anything happen in their lives. Neither have kept jobs for very long. Husband, ever since I have know him, has sent money on command...and opened our home, many times, for mom and both brothers to come and live...with us. It has never worked out. They didn't work....or maybe NYC just wasn't a good place to be. One of his brothers...29yrs. old, living in Colorado now, hasn't paid the bills and is getting booted out. He doesn't want to move back home, (Kansas) but now wants to come and live with us....on our couch! We rent a two bedroom/two bathroom condo. My brother is in school...and is RENTING our other bedroom for the moment, because he can't afford to live on his own. My mother is building a house, and my brother will live with her when it is finished. There are 3 of us in our home now. I can't help not wanting a grown man living in our home, on our couch. He came to live with us once before, chain smoked and had a bad attitude. He didn't work...and didn't work hard enough at finding a job. Husband's mother now believes that I am a big part of the reason he is distanced from them. Maybe I am. He says if it was my family there would be no question...they would be here, and I would be taking care of them. Ok...maybe I would...but this isn't the first time with his family. It isn't the second! How long do we have to take care of them...grown adults? They have no handicaps, no diseases...nothing to feel bad about. Husband says he feels responsible for them...he always will. I can't help but sound like this is a burden. Husband wants a child now. How can we have a family of our own? This is so frustrating. Am I really being selfish? I understand life is hard...and sometimes we need a little help...where do we draw the line?
My husband has a mother that is an alcoholic, gambling addict, that only calls when she needs something. He had a very difficult childhood. He is the product of a one night stand. He has two brothers. They all have different fathers. They were very close growing up, and took care of each other. I guess Husband, being the oldest was more of a father figure. Their lives were the most normal at one point when their mother married a man that cared for her, and took care of the family. He died when they were young, having a heart attack in front of them, passing away on their living room floor. From then on their mother went downhill and has been mentally and emotionally unstable. She still to this day uses her husband's death as an excuse to not deal with life. She was molested by her father as a child, among other hardships. Husband left home after highschool, was scouted by a modeling agency and traveled the world working and visiting exotic locations. I guess in some ways he made it out. His brothers, both younger have had troubles making anything happen in their lives. Neither have kept jobs for very long. Husband, ever since I have know him, has sent money on command...and opened our home, many times, for mom and both brothers to come and live...with us. It has never worked out. They didn't work....or maybe NYC just wasn't a good place to be. One of his brothers...29yrs. old, living in Colorado now, hasn't paid the bills and is getting booted out. He doesn't want to move back home, (Kansas) but now wants to come and live with us....on our couch! We rent a two bedroom/two bathroom condo. My brother is in school...and is RENTING our other bedroom for the moment, because he can't afford to live on his own. My mother is building a house, and my brother will live with her when it is finished. There are 3 of us in our home now. I can't help not wanting a grown man living in our home, on our couch. He came to live with us once before, chain smoked and had a bad attitude. He didn't work...and didn't work hard enough at finding a job. Husband's mother now believes that I am a big part of the reason he is distanced from them. Maybe I am. He says if it was my family there would be no question...they would be here, and I would be taking care of them. Ok...maybe I would...but this isn't the first time with his family. It isn't the second! How long do we have to take care of them...grown adults? They have no handicaps, no diseases...nothing to feel bad about. Husband says he feels responsible for them...he always will. I can't help but sound like this is a burden. Husband wants a child now. How can we have a family of our own? This is so frustrating. Am I really being selfish? I understand life is hard...and sometimes we need a little help...where do we draw the line?
posted by Harlyn at 7:09 PM
12 Comments:
City - Wow, that's a tough situation!
I don't believe you're being selfish. You're an adult and so is he. I can understand how he wants to take care of his family, but you're his wife now.
It's a sad story, one I can relate with from my family. Most of my siblings are messed up and unstable. You can only help so many times and get shit on back before you draw the line and say enough.
If you're planning on children, what place do the other play?
Because they can't keep up jobs or their mental health or try to help themselves, you're supposed to feel bad?
No, I totally agree with you. Hopefully your man see's clearly about this decision and respect your opinion as his wife.
Good luck!
Peace & Hugs,
- Neo
You poor thing! I feel awful for you. You are in a real Catch-22 situation.
I hope you and hubby can overlook the emotions and get down to brass tacts about the pros and cons of this before it causes distress and disharmony.
Just my opinion but: Neo is right~ you are hubbys family now, and his brothers need to grow up and act like adults. I could see you feeling sorry for them if they had special needs, but perfectly healthy adults need to act responsible whether they like it or not. It's obvious that they know their older brother has such a soft spot for them, and what buttons to push to make him cave in.
Good luck, sweetie!
I sympathize with your husband. I grew up in a home with an alcoholic father too, a man who constantly made excuses for his own failures. It was never his fault, simply the worlds. I often felt guilty at not doing more. But you are right. These are ADULTS. People with free will, the ability to make good choices or simply take the easy road. It seems that they know your husband will make their lives easier and it perpetuates their own laziness. I think at our ages having someone living on the sofa is a bit much. But if he does move in, set a deadline of when its time to go. Otherwise six months could pass and your couch could become his permanent hotel. Good luck! Relationships are hard and family can certainly add a strain. Believe me, I speak from experience!!!
Thats a hard situation, but I don't think you are really being selfish at all. Your husband has obviously always helped his family out, without any question, and it's done no good. Everyone makes choices in their lives, and it sounds like brother is choosing to be irresponsible. Also, I agree that you are his family now, and especially if he wants to start one he needs to learn where to draw the line.
Hope everything works out.
i'm no expert on family and relationships, but i think in certain cases, it's ok to be selfish. i think this is one of those times.
Well, maybe if you give him a month to find a job and a place and put some rules down it could work. I understand your frustration. My in laws are crazies too. However, I think that sometimes we have to bend a little for the ones we love. If you can find a compromise....you both might be happy. Good luck!
Difficult, my husband and I used to have the same agruements about my sister, there has to be ground rules, and a time limit. I know you don't want to do it but if you would do it for yours then you have to have the same sympathy for his family, although I would have the same issues as you. And since you have helped before it is not like you haven't tried. But maybe just to appease set a time limit.
thank you to everyone that took the time to leave a comment. I appreciate all the advice and understanding...and sharing all of your own experiences. I'll let you know how it turns out.
I've never had the situation thankfully, but like most of the commentors here I'm a firm believer in laying ground rules early and more importantly enforcing them.
That what makes families take advantage of you. They see the rules but don't believe you'll back it up. Usually it's played off sympathy or something of that nature; however you may want to ask yourself if your husband is willing to actually kick the brother out if he brings home a mentally unstable prostitute who lights something on fire.
Good luck.
City: Wow! That's a toughie!
One of my worst problems is feeling bad when I think of myself before someone else. I don't think you are being selfish at all, but it's hard to not feel that way when you are such a caring person. Always wanting to take care of everyone else before yourself. You deserve to be selfish once in a while.
The hardest part about your dilemma is whether or not you feel you should back your husband. The last thing you want to do is cause a rift between the two of you. Especially when family is involved.
You are ALOT like me, and I'm sure you will make the right decision, even though it's a difficult one to make.
I am very anxious to hear the outcome of this turn of events.
CitySoul - Wow, not an easy answer for you here. I've been in a similar situation before, where siblings of mine (and even my mom at one time) had nowhere to go.
The feeling of guilt is tremendous, and yet, for my family, it worked out so much better that we didn't provide an option for them. My siblings have learned to be more mature and resourceful, and my mom ended up in a far better position than she would have otherwise.
I will echo what many have already said here: You are your husband's primary family now. His sibs and parents are secondary to you (and likewise, your family comes second to him), and that is not being selfish at all. And I think that needs to be written in stone and understood loud and clear before any children come on the scene.
There are times when helping the family out is a good thing... (and again I echo) Set ground rules. Make a time limit, and make sure that they contribute to the household in a good, tangible way (if they're not handicapped, tell them they need to have a job, and contribute to the rent, food and utilities while they are there.) Your house shouldn't be a handout or a vacation from "real life". Things will seriously never get better with his family if you guys are always a safety net.
Sorry to ramble and rant, but these are positions that we have taken inour family, and it seems to have worked pretty well.
Best of luck to you!!!
Wow CS, what a tough spot this puts you in! This is you and your husband's life... and if you two are serious about moving forward (children etc) I think it would be awefully hard to do so with his brother bumming on the sofa...I agree with Hollie, at least set a date to which he can stay until, otherwise, he may take advantage of your hospitality and generousity!
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