Piece of Me.

No, not Britney Spears new song. A new piece of my life. About 6 months ago, I was diagnosed with *Graves Disease. I was admitted to the ER with a heart rate around 170...with high blood pressure...and many of the symptoms and feelings of a heart attack. It wasn't that...but it wasn't good. I have a thyroid disorder. People think of thyroid, and never think of "serious health condition". Mine is. Most people with thyroid issues, have hypothyroidism...characterized by weight gain...depression, cold intolerance...etc. Graves is the complete opposite. People joke how lucky I am to have a disease where I can eat what I want, and still lose weight. Not so lucky I tell you. Along with weight loss...a consistent heart rate over 100bpm, anxiety, heat intolerance, exhaustion, the list goes on. At this point, months later, with meds, I can say I am stable. This is a chronic illness, I will probably have for the rest of my life. It is manageable. Somewhat. This is where all of my introspective thoughts have been coming from lately. I guess I have been trying to find a place where I am OK with this. There's always the good, "It could be worse". I know that. I want to feel like this can teach me something. I have learned to slow down...I have been forced to slow down. I am learning to enjoy my life and know what grateful really means. No, I'm not going to die. At least not from this. At one point in my life I was a complete pessimist. Maybe we are each given what we need to be able to see true fulfillment in our lives. Maybe not. Maybe I'm thinking too much. Maybe.

*(Graves disease is an autoimmune disorder that involves over activity of the thyroid gland, hyperthyroidism)

Is that You?

I've never been a religious person. Then I guess that probably relates back to my upbringing. My father was Jewish...my mother southern Baptist. They brought me to church for years when I was very young. Though for one reason or another we would leave that church and go on to a new one. My parents could never find the "right" one. A place that accepted everyone...and did not preach fear or predjudice. I feel my mother wanted me to have a spiritual sense...though not confined to one specific belief.

Throughout the years I've casually researched everything from Hinduism to Paganism. I have taken different parts of each, that has related to how I feel my life should be lived. There is also plenty from each I shy away from. I think I feel there is something bigger than us. I'm not sure what that is. In the back of my mind though, the thought often passes...is there really a God?

Sometimes I pray. I'm not really sure who to...but I pray. Sometimes it's to my dead relatives...other times I have said, "God". Recently I have found myself praying often. I have been dealing with more stress than I have in my last 29 years. Between finding myself dealing with sickness...my husband and I stressing over finances...the list seems to never end. Is that really the time to find God? Is it real, if we only go searching in our time of need? Would someone want to answers prayers that only called apon them for help...

Sometimes I see signs. Conicidences maybe. I want to believe life is more magical than it seems. Maybe it is. I'm keeping my eyes and mind open. When my life becomes easier again...as I know it will. "This too shall pass." I'll try not to close the door again...be grateful for the things I do have, so when I call out for help...someone just may listen.

2 years and counting

I left NYC over 2 years ago now. When will I stop counting?? It's not that I want to move back...I mean sometimes I would...but I don't think it's the right place for me now. I can't imagine subways, night clubs, living in a tiny walk up with a toddler. I mean I know people there do it all the time...well, not the night club part, but they do raise children there. There are many things I would like to take my baby see...Central Park, the museums...the Christmas window displays. I think there is so much to offer. I'm just not so sure how easy day to day life would be. I don't know if he would enjoy the smell of buring garbage during the hot summer days...or a homless man taking a crap on the curb next to your door (true story while living in the east village). It's crazy how our lives change when we have someone else to care for...we make decisions based on their life...no longer our own. I know I would be living a different life if it were not for my son...or maybe I wouldn't be living at all. That is a different story though...I'll get to that later.

Removing the sheet

I've been hiding...for most of this past year. I've been busy with the now toddler...dealing with a serious health issue...marriage...basically everything else. I think I want to return to the world of blogging. I once found comfort...and a few good friends here. Most of which I have lost touch. For those of you that happen to check in...stick around. This time I'm back....I'm uncovering myself...and hopefully making a place again.

Update

Wow, it's been awhile. Almost 5 months. Well, that's how old he is. It's been a crazy, hectic...exhausting...but amazing time. Most of you are probably gone. I read my last comment, that says "maybe you'll stop by and update sometime". Well, I guess I will. The baby is good...he's getting so big now. 95% for weight, off the charts for height at over 100%. Those are statistics you only understand being a parent. Those are things I do now. Talk about weight and height...poop,poop color...teething...and baby drool. Things I thought I would never do. You know what? That's ok. I actually enjoy it. This baby has been a giant pain in the ass...being colicky for what seemed like forever. I no longer have the freedom I once had. Forget partying anymore...even having a few drinks, while breast feeding. Most days we stay home, baby talking. I thought I would hate it, I thought I would shrivel up with no life.

Then he will look up at me with those big blue eyes, and gives me a smile he shows no other. My heart melts. He loves me unconditionally.

I am a mother.

He's here!

I'll post more later, as I'll be a stay at home mom for the next few months...I'm guessing I'll have a little more time! Anyway, baby is here, was born on Halloween at 10:14am. Was a crazy birth, that's a story in itself, I'll post when I'm feeling more up to it. Anyway...long awaited..here's my new man.

Not yet

So I never stop by here anymore...I just got busy with working and being pregnant...and just livin life, that I ran out of things to write about. I'm still pregnant...37 weeks to be exact. yes, that means only 3 weeks until my due date of Nov. 7th. Though at my doc's appt on Mon. she gave me a week and a half. It's just a guess she said, but anyway it's damn soon! I'm nervous and excited...not sure what to expect...but I'm also ready to have my body back....and meet the little man that has been inhabiting it for so long now! I've contemplated deleting this blog, since I'm never around....but I'm on maternity leave now...and will be for the next few months...so maybe I'll wait and see. I'll definitely post after the baby is here, to let those of you that have been checking up on me know! Until then...here are a few pics from my baby shower a few days ago. (playing with a friend's baby---I know, I already look so maternal...don't I?)