A day at home.
I left NYC three months and ten days ago...Not that I'm counting. My life was in a downward spiral. I felt stuck, and I wasn't happy. I had a modeling agency close and steal thousands of dollars from me. I threw myself into bartending a few nights a week...Which was filled with partying and drugs. All of the people in my life were not real, and life was about where they were going. I became confused with what I wanted.
I woke up this morning, away from it all. I still feel the longing for what I left behind. For the life of me, I can't figure out what it is that I'm still missing so much. Besides the wonderful city that I love with every part of me,( that I'm close enough to visit whenever I want!). Is it the drama? The excitement of it all? I mean, my life is pretty quiet now. It's all just so damn different! Maybe I'll move back one day. Or maybe I'll let that life be a part of me and stay in my past.
Husband and I talk about having kids now. Not that we're trying! But if it happens, it happens. That's one of the big reasons why we moved here, a better place to raise a family. How do you know when you're ready to be responsible for another human being? I mean I am the most nurturing person I know. Maybe it's the thought of having to grow up myself. People I talk to say you can't plan for something like that...You're never ready. You just do it.
I don't know...We'll see.
I have the day off today...And I have about 300lbs of laundry to wash. Not too different from what I would be doing if I was still in Manhattan. Just without a hangover. Guess it's not so bad afterall.
Zen calendar says:
"Abjure the why and seek the how."
-Sir Richard Francis Burton
I woke up this morning, away from it all. I still feel the longing for what I left behind. For the life of me, I can't figure out what it is that I'm still missing so much. Besides the wonderful city that I love with every part of me,( that I'm close enough to visit whenever I want!). Is it the drama? The excitement of it all? I mean, my life is pretty quiet now. It's all just so damn different! Maybe I'll move back one day. Or maybe I'll let that life be a part of me and stay in my past.
Husband and I talk about having kids now. Not that we're trying! But if it happens, it happens. That's one of the big reasons why we moved here, a better place to raise a family. How do you know when you're ready to be responsible for another human being? I mean I am the most nurturing person I know. Maybe it's the thought of having to grow up myself. People I talk to say you can't plan for something like that...You're never ready. You just do it.
I don't know...We'll see.
I have the day off today...And I have about 300lbs of laundry to wash. Not too different from what I would be doing if I was still in Manhattan. Just without a hangover. Guess it's not so bad afterall.
Zen calendar says:
"Abjure the why and seek the how."
-Sir Richard Francis Burton
posted by Harlyn at 9:51 AM
10 Comments:
Great Post! It's kinda crazy - but I know exactly what you're saying - about the people not being real - I think I might be going through the same thing. You know how much MY own life has changed since I've started blogging. It's scary as hell.
I have a good feeling that we are both going to be just fine! Big Hugs From the K-Y!!!!
"When you wait for the "right time" to have kids....it never happens" that is my own buddha wisdom! Being a parent is something you learn along the way. It's a hard job and if you wait to be ready....you're never going to be!
find a hobby such as scrapbooking or digital scrapbooking. Small towns are good for lots of things except excitement which sounds like that's what you crave because you used to have so much. It will probably take you another few months to a year to adjust!
I felt the same way when I was pregnant with my son.... wasn't sure I could handle the responsibility of another human being, especially a baby. But the old saying is sooo true, you learn something new each day... and there will be plenty of people to help you on the way. My "baby" is now 19 and in college... so we did ok, and so will you.
Have lots of faith, and don't be afraid to ask many questions... advise and answers are the one thing in life that are still free.
Good luck!
City -Enjoy the downtime.
I get the same way when I think about things I used to do.
Maybe you're going through an adjustment period since the move eh?
Peace,
- Neo
if YOU don't know what you want, then who does?
Jen: I think so too!
Jules: you are right. and yes, I do need to find somthing I enjoy doing here, maybe something I can't do in the city.
Ellen: thanks, I may be coming to you for advice in the future.
Ellen Jay: looking forward to reading it.
Neo: definitely an adjustment period!
Mike: yes I do!
Kelso: I know you're right..it's just hard to make that decision to just do it.
Woo:I don't know...do you?
Jax: you are right...and having "me" time is not what scares me so much...but yes, everything will change. And I do think I need to visit the city soon...get it out of my system!
Having a baby is easily the hardest and the easiest thing I've ever done. No amount of waiting would change that. Being open to it happening is a lot less stressful than trying for months like I did. Good luck and have fun- it should be fun!
And thanks for visiting. Come back any time!
It's funny when I read your post because I experienced so many of the same things when I left NY. I missed the excitement, the energy. It actually hurt when I saw a film or a tv show with my city in it. And I was so far away. Of course LA isn't a small town but it certainly isn't NY. What I've learned since I've come back though is that NY is different. Yes it welcomed me back as though I never left but in some ways that was exactly the problem. My life was stagnate. I spent 3 Years bartending, partying, auditioning sporadically, and it was fun and I have a lot of great memories but life goes on. Enjoy what you have now and remembert that you can always come back. The city will always be here for you. But maybe when you come back, you'll realize like I did, that right now, you're just not ready for it.
thanks hollie, your words mean alot, since you know what I'm going through. some days are easier than others...sometimes the homesickness just gets to me.
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