My Dad
Another day off of work! What did I do to deserve such a joyous occasion!?
I just got back from having breakfast with my Dad. He told me this weekend, he and his fiance...We'll call her Mama Lizzy...Actually that is what I call her (not to her face anyway), they are taking her 7 year old niece to Manhattan for the day to look at Christmas windows and decorations. Lovely you think, right? Not to me...there are so many things wrong with that I just don't know where to start. My Dad was never much of a family man...and I don't think likes children very much, so growing up with him was a bit difficult, since he had the warmness of an ice cube. Ok maybe thats sounds a bit harsh. Don't get me wrong, I love my father. He's my father, I'll always love him, but that doesn't mean he was the best. There were no hugs...no I love you's said...only stern looks, and staying out of his way. He hated holidays...(he was raised jewish, but that's still no reason to hate Christmas), hated crowds and never wanted to go anywhere. Me taking a trip to NYC right now would be like pouring salt on an open wound, it's still too new. Now my father!...my dad...is taking another little girl to the most crowded place in the country to see freakin Christmas lights!!!! To the city I just moved home from! It hurts my heart...though I know in my head I want my father to be a better man...and to change. He has been trying and taking a kid to Manhattan is a show of how different he is. It just makes me sad that it wasn't me. It's not even a kid I know. Is all this selfish? He is decorating his house with Mama Lizzy...he hated our decorations. What if he becomes the father I always wanted...to someone else? I mean, that is what I want. I want him to be better...I guess I'm just jealous. I won't say anything to him...I've tried and he thinks it's an attack. I'm happy if he's getting joy out of things that he always seemed so frustrated by. I just wish it was with us.
I just got back from having breakfast with my Dad. He told me this weekend, he and his fiance...We'll call her Mama Lizzy...Actually that is what I call her (not to her face anyway), they are taking her 7 year old niece to Manhattan for the day to look at Christmas windows and decorations. Lovely you think, right? Not to me...there are so many things wrong with that I just don't know where to start. My Dad was never much of a family man...and I don't think likes children very much, so growing up with him was a bit difficult, since he had the warmness of an ice cube. Ok maybe thats sounds a bit harsh. Don't get me wrong, I love my father. He's my father, I'll always love him, but that doesn't mean he was the best. There were no hugs...no I love you's said...only stern looks, and staying out of his way. He hated holidays...(he was raised jewish, but that's still no reason to hate Christmas), hated crowds and never wanted to go anywhere. Me taking a trip to NYC right now would be like pouring salt on an open wound, it's still too new. Now my father!...my dad...is taking another little girl to the most crowded place in the country to see freakin Christmas lights!!!! To the city I just moved home from! It hurts my heart...though I know in my head I want my father to be a better man...and to change. He has been trying and taking a kid to Manhattan is a show of how different he is. It just makes me sad that it wasn't me. It's not even a kid I know. Is all this selfish? He is decorating his house with Mama Lizzy...he hated our decorations. What if he becomes the father I always wanted...to someone else? I mean, that is what I want. I want him to be better...I guess I'm just jealous. I won't say anything to him...I've tried and he thinks it's an attack. I'm happy if he's getting joy out of things that he always seemed so frustrated by. I just wish it was with us.
posted by Harlyn at 9:27 AM
7 Comments:
I have a love/hate relationship with my dad. If we are with each other for more than 5 minutes we argue. I love him but don't like him. Everyone thinks he's fabulous. He was a good provider but was always busy hunting or fishing and because I sat down to pee I wasn't included in those things. (not that I would have killed so really it is ok..) It would hurt me terribly if he was taking someone else to do something that I wish he would have done with me. As a parent, I can now see that maybe he realizes his mistakes and wants to make things different now that he's older. I was just reading about this type of thing and it's called serial fatherhood. When the father fathers his new wife's kids better than his own (sociology class) but it is sad and maybe you should ask if you can go too. Make a family day of it! Have you seen the WB's Related? You might like it. Sounds kind of like your situation. Father getting remarried and all....plus it's about sisters in NY!
Oh City. I'm so sorry you're hurting right now. I definitely understand. It's OK to be jealous. Remember my post about my parents' relationship with my sister? I know it's totally different circumstances, but it does hurt when your parent(s) treat someone else better (is that the right word?) than they treat you. It's almost as if you want to ask, "What did I do wrong?"
I hope things look up for you soon. You turned out to be an awesome person, regardless of how your father was. XOXO - BIG HUGS
City -Nice to have the time off huh?
I can sense the hurt you feel when you hear your dad talk about doing things with someone else's child. In your heart you know that child should have been you.
You can always hope for change, but you know that eventually the old him will come out. Then again, maybe it won't.
Take solace in the fact that you turned out to be a kind loving and decent woman. *hugs*
As much as I'd like to say: don't be jealous... I can't, and don't blame you for feeling that way at all. You're right... what did you ever do to make him cold and indifferent? You're blood!
Yeah, it's nice that he is changing, but that comes with age anyway... maybe he can show some of that warm "fuzzy" niceness to you in order to make up for the years of indifference.
Sorry, I know he's your Dad... just my silly 2 cents worth....
City, I think you have every right to be upset with this. That's a very hard thing for you to see with a child doing exactly what you've wanted your whole life. But on the brighter side...you turned out to be a wonderful person. Even without that.
Completely natural to feel the way you do. I'm in the same boat. My Dad had a baby with my Ex Step Mom haha. This was 6 years ago.
My Dad pretty much sucked at being a father growing up. I think he learned alot from it, and when he had my sister it really shows.
The girl is frickin spoiled, but it's not just that. He actually cares about parenting now.
My parents were very young when they had me, so my Dad grew up with us pretty much. We are pretty close now, and I think he realizes some of the mistakes he made.
Sometimes I wish my Dad would have been there for me like he is my sister, but I'm just glad that she doesn't have to go through what I did.
I bet taking your kid out to NYC to see the Christmas lights is definitely something u won't deprive him or her of, right? :)
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