City Soul

Piece of Me.

2007-12-18T10:53:00.000-05:00

No, not Britney Spears new song. A new piece of my life. About 6 months ago, I was diagnosed with *Graves Disease. I was admitted to the ER with a heart rate around 170...with high blood pressure...and many of the symptoms and feelings of a heart attack. It wasn't that...but it wasn't good. I have a thyroid disorder. People think of thyroid, and never think of "serious health condition". Mine is. Most people with thyroid issues, have hypothyroidism...characterized by weight gain...depression, cold intolerance...etc. Graves is the complete opposite. People joke how lucky I am to have a disease where I can eat what I want, and still lose weight. Not so lucky I tell you. Along with weight loss...a consistent heart rate over 100bpm, anxiety, heat intolerance, exhaustion, the list goes on. At this point, months later, with meds, I can say I am stable. This is a chronic illness, I will probably have for the rest of my life. It is manageable. Somewhat. This is where all of my introspective thoughts have been coming from lately. I guess I have been trying to find a place where I am OK with this. There's always the good, "It could be worse". I know that. I want to feel like this can teach me something. I have learned to slow down...I have been forced to slow down. I am learning to enjoy my life and know what grateful really means. No, I'm not going to die. At least not from this. At one point in my life I was a complete pessimist. Maybe we are each given what we need to be able to see true fulfillment in our lives. Maybe not. Maybe I'm thinking too much. Maybe.

*(Graves disease is an autoimmune disorder that involves over activity of the thyroid gland, hyperthyroidism)

Is that You?

2007-12-10T13:59:00.000-05:00

I've never been a religious person. Then I guess that probably relates back to my upbringing. My father was Jewish...my mother southern Baptist. They brought me to church for years when I was very young. Though for one reason or another we would leave that church and go on to a new one. My parents could never find the "right" one. A place that accepted everyone...and did not preach fear or predjudice. I feel my mother wanted me to have a spiritual sense...though not confined to one specific belief.

Throughout the years I've casually researched everything from Hinduism to Paganism. I have taken different parts of each, that has related to how I feel my life should be lived. There is also plenty from each I shy away from. I think I feel there is something bigger than us. I'm not sure what that is. In the back of my mind though, the thought often passes...is there really a God?

Sometimes I pray. I'm not really sure who to...but I pray. Sometimes it's to my dead relatives...other times I have said, "God". Recently I have found myself praying often. I have been dealing with more stress than I have in my last 29 years. Between finding myself dealing with sickness...my husband and I stressing over finances...the list seems to never end. Is that really the time to find God? Is it real, if we only go searching in our time of need? Would someone want to answers prayers that only called apon them for help...

Sometimes I see signs. Conicidences maybe. I want to believe life is more magical than it seems. Maybe it is. I'm keeping my eyes and mind open. When my life becomes easier again...as I know it will. "This too shall pass." I'll try not to close the door again...be grateful for the things I do have, so when I call out for help...someone just may listen.

2 years and counting

2007-12-05T10:23:00.000-05:00

I left NYC over 2 years ago now. When will I stop counting?? It's not that I want to move back...I mean sometimes I would...but I don't think it's the right place for me now. I can't imagine subways, night clubs, living in a tiny walk up with a toddler. I mean I know people there do it all the time...well, not the night club part, but they do raise children there. There are many things I would like to take my baby see...Central Park, the museums...the Christmas window displays. I think there is so much to offer. I'm just not so sure how easy day to day life would be. I don't know if he would enjoy the smell of buring garbage during the hot summer days...or a homless man taking a crap on the curb next to your door (true story while living in the east village). It's crazy how our lives change when we have someone else to care for...we make decisions based on their life...no longer our own. I know I would be living a different life if it were not for my son...or maybe I wouldn't be living at all. That is a different story though...I'll get to that later.

Removing the sheet

2007-12-04T15:06:00.000-05:00

I've been hiding...for most of this past year. I've been busy with the now toddler...dealing with a serious health issue...marriage...basically everything else. I think I want to return to the world of blogging. I once found comfort...and a few good friends here. Most of which I have lost touch. For those of you that happen to check in...stick around. This time I'm back....I'm uncovering myself...and hopefully making a place again.

Update

2007-03-29T13:33:00.000-05:00

Wow, it's been awhile. Almost 5 months. Well, that's how old he is. It's been a crazy, hectic...exhausting...but amazing time. Most of you are probably gone. I read my last comment, that says "maybe you'll stop by and update sometime". Well, I guess I will. The baby is good...he's getting so big now. 95% for weight, off the charts for height at over 100%. Those are statistics you only understand being a parent. Those are things I do now. Talk about weight and height...poop,poop color...teething...and baby drool. Things I thought I would never do. You know what? That's ok. I actually enjoy it. This baby has been a giant pain in the ass...being colicky for what seemed like forever. I no longer have the freedom I once had. Forget partying anymore...even having a few drinks, while breast feeding. Most days we stay home, baby talking. I thought I would hate it, I thought I would shrivel up with no life.

Then he will look up at me with those big blue eyes, and gives me a smile he shows no other. My heart melts. He loves me unconditionally.

I am a mother.

He's here!

2006-11-07T18:21:00.000-05:00

I'll post more later, as I'll be a stay at home mom for the next few months...I'm guessing I'll have a little more time! Anyway, baby is here, was born on Halloween at 10:14am. Was a crazy birth, that's a story in itself, I'll post when I'm feeling more up to it. Anyway...long awaited..here's my new man.

Not yet

2006-10-19T11:00:00.000-05:00

So I never stop by here anymore...I just got busy with working and being pregnant...and just livin life, that I ran out of things to write about. I'm still pregnant...37 weeks to be exact. yes, that means only 3 weeks until my due date of Nov. 7th. Though at my doc's appt on Mon. she gave me a week and a half. It's just a guess she said, but anyway it's damn soon! I'm nervous and excited...not sure what to expect...but I'm also ready to have my body back....and meet the little man that has been inhabiting it for so long now! I've contemplated deleting this blog, since I'm never around....but I'm on maternity leave now...and will be for the next few months...so maybe I'll wait and see. I'll definitely post after the baby is here, to let those of you that have been checking up on me know! Until then...here are a few pics from my baby shower a few days ago. (playing with a friend's baby---I know, I already look so maternal...don't I?)

You asked for it!

2006-08-09T17:34:00.000-05:00

Ok, the 7th month belly.

splash

2006-08-02T08:13:00.000-05:00

Hey all. I guess I kinda gave up on the whole blog thing. Life got really busy, and I must have just run out of interesting things to say...if I ever had any at all. Becoming a suburban preggo just doesn't compare to a city party girl when it comes to excitement, I think I just didn't want to even bore myself with bland posts. For those of you that still drop by once in a while to check up on me, I'm doing great...and so is the kid. I'm almost 7 months now, and it gets a little more real each day. Some days I'm excited...some days I'm nervous...and others I would just like to be a skinny chic again without the feeling of a bowling ball in my belly...but hey...it comes with the job. We're having a heat wave here today, over 100 degrees. I'm taking my ball in all of it's glory to splash in the pool like the most beautiful dolphin (whale) you've ever seen. ;) Hope you're all well, I need to come see what you've been up to.

It's a Boy!

2006-06-21T07:01:00.000-05:00

Just thought I would post quickly...at my 5 month checkup the other day...we found out...it's a boy!

HEFTY HEFTY...cinch sack...

2006-06-06T11:53:00.000-05:00

Summer weather is here and I couldn't be happier...with the exception of the ever so sexy expanding pooch. I can't complain about my whole new shape. I've always considered buying myself some fake boobs...not huge ones...just enough. Never done it though...just stuck with my plain skinny frame. Well can I just tell you about the "fake looking" boobs I'm sporting now? They are big and stand up on my chest like the cheesiest fake one's you've ever seen! I didn't even have to pay for them! Who knew all it took was getting knocked up?? So I'm all excited about the chestage and I've been out looking for some new swimwear since all my old bikinis look like nipple covers. Unfortunately the boobs aren't enough distraction to cover the belly that makes people say...hmmm..."you think she just drinks a little too much brew, or could that girl be preggers?" Yes, I'm almost 5 months pregnant and I'm in the "I can't tell if she's just fat" stage. I decided to go online in search of the hottest maternity tankini that I could find, to flaunt my assests and camouflage the peanut. I ordered a sexy black "little" number that looks great in the picture. When the box came I couldn't rip it open fast enough. It's a shiny black (I thought black would be slimming) and looks a little more like a pair of shorts and a dress to go over it. I call it, the Hefty sack. If I wanted to wear clothing to the pool, I would wear something I have! Seriously!! So the pool is calling...and I'm still in search. In the meantime, if you need me.....I'll be in the bathtub.

4 months

2006-05-22T14:08:00.000-05:00

Today was my 4 month check up. Little fetus is lookin' good. Unfortunately "it" wouldn't cooperate and get in a good position so I could stop calling it an it! Maybe next time.

Once again you can tell from the ultrasound how incredibly hot it is. One good looking kid (or frog-depending on the angle)!

Have a busy day, just thought I would post the new pic...I'm sure you were all holding your breath.

Oh, and to my new anonymous commenter...as much as you think we have in common...we don't. So move on to the next blog...BI-ATCH, unless I'm just that entertaining and you want to entertain me with your joyous comments. I understand if you have that much time on your hands.

soccer mom? not me!

2006-05-21T08:51:00.000-05:00

Oh Dear Rap, Hip hop...house and Trance why do you torture me so? Actually all this music I hear on the radio is strangely making me miss Manhattan more than ever. It reminds me of the days of VIP sections, bottles of grey goose, and dancing on tables until the sun came up. Maybe it's the hormones making me all misty eyed...but damnit...I miss those days of being young (ok I know it was less than a year ago), carefree...and feeling pretty damn cool. Visions of turning into a soccer mom are filling my head and it's scaring the poopy diapers out of me! What the hell will I do with a baby?? I swear...I sing obnoxious rap songs...I still like to dance on tables...though soon I may break one...I like to wear bikinis and skull and bone necklaces...I'm a rockstar at heart with a voice that could break a mirror. How can I be someone's mother? I'm sure every first time mom goes through the "I don't know if I can do it" phase...but dreaming nightly your baby is a 3 headed teenage monster itsn't helping! I'm sure it will all come to me...just take it day by day and do the best I can...though I won't sell out...bob haircut and mr. minivan! I won't do it!

Where am I?

2006-05-12T08:49:00.000-05:00

Hey everyone. I know it's been a while....a long while. I'm doing great...just really busy. I'm still working full time, so between that and everyday things, I just don't have the energy or much inspiration to post anything interesting.

Husband and I bought another new car...the hoopty has finally been laid to rest. For us that is! My sister totaled her car...shes ok..but she needed a car until she graduates grad school in October, when she'll be making the big bucks to buy what she wants. Hoopty is all hers!

My brother's girlfriend has moved in with us for the summer. I know, 4 people in one house! It's ok really...she cleans, cooks and is getting a job. I can't complain. Much better than my brother!

Pregnancy is going well still. Almost 4 months. I guess it's starting to fly by...I still don't look too different yet...so I'll post another pic in another week or so. Other than that not much happening. Hope you're all doing well!

3 month belly

2006-04-25T07:41:00.000-05:00

Hey ya'll! As I'm sure you're all just about sick of hearing me blab about morning sickness and refusing to sit at my computer for fear of heaving all over the keyboard...I thought I would just come back and say..."YO...3 months is over bitches!" Ok, I'm a little excited. I'm feeling better...I'm getting a second wind. My energy is returning and that makes me happy. I'm not a sit on my butt type of person. So yesterday was my 3 month visit to the doctor. Husband came and she decided to do an ultrasound for us...which she wasn't planning...just so we could take a peak and see the kid. It was really amazing. It looked like a little bald man dancing. Arms, and legs...and a big ol' head...jumping up and down, waving and kicking. It really was strange. I don't look like I'm pregnant and I can't feel it moving...but there it was on the screen, a fully formed little person. If you look back at my two month scan...it's amazing what changes in 4 wks. Ok, thats all for now. I have the day off and even though it's supposed to rain...again!...I'm gettin' out of here. Later taters.

Just added a belly shot...guess I decided to see how it grows.

2006-04-21T09:00:00.000-05:00

Once again I feel like starting my post explaining how MIA I've been. But anyone who comes to check on me would probably already know that. Just to update on the bean, I've been feeling much better. Morning sickness is pretty much over...and in a couple of days I will be 3 months pregnant. Seems like the time is flying. Other than having a little gut...you can't really tell. It really just looks like I've had one too many beers, or have been eating a little too much. I'm in that stage where people will just think I'm a skinny girl with a belly...it's really hot I tell ya. I'll have to post a picture.

Husband has decided to take a new job. He was offered a job...that payed amazing in the Bahamas. Everyone thinks I'm crazy for not wanting to go. What will I do all day? Sit on a beach raising my baby? Ok, sounds like paradise...but I can't work. You have to be sponsored with a working visa...and I still have 6 months of pregnancy left...I have my family here, I don't want to be all alone. Anyway, he decided to take a job here in CT...it's further away from where he is working now, so he'll be home less...though it is a great company with the prospect of future growth. They have their companies all over the world so traveling, vacation...or even moving somewhere exotic would not only be possible but easy to do. So I guess it could be a good thing.

I have to go to work, I just wanted to post something and stop being lazy. Until later...

sunshine and all

2006-04-10T13:38:00.000-05:00

I don't think there is anything I love more than a little sun. It's 65 today and I couldn't be happier...well, I'm not working, that also adds to it. I grew up in FL...in a state that has 10 good months of sun and heat...now CT is 3 months of warm weather! Anyway, today is beautiful and I'm lovin it.

I have really lost my urge to write. I guess the first trimester of a pregnancy explains it. It's almost over (first 3 months that is) and I'm looking forward to getting some of myself back again. The morning sickness is starting to ease up and my energy is slowing returning. Thank the Lord! Feeling like you have a contstant hangover really sucks.

I don't have much to say, just wanted to update and let you know I'm still alive. I think I'm going to enjoy some sun...you never know with the weather here...it could be snowing tomorrow.

and the flood gates opened

2006-03-28T12:57:00.000-05:00

It's been an interesting week I must say. Husband woke up early for work this past Sunday. Still half asleep I was able to make out the muffled "holy shit!" bellowing from the living room. It seems at some point during the night a pipe burst near our hot water heater...and it didn't just spring a leak...it poured for a good 7 hours. We awoke to our living room, kitchen, and back bedroom flooded with water! Luckily we are renting, so we called the emergency maintenance. A good half an hour later someone showed up. He ripped up all the carpeting and had to shop vac out all of the water. Right now I have no home. The condo complex gave us a guest suite to stay in. We have stayed at our home every night anyway....since our bedroom was the only place untouched by the water. All of our stuff is there...clothes..etc.., it's just inconvenient to stay somewhere else. Now we have to wait for them to replace the carpeting and send out a crew of specialists to check the extent of the water damage, and make sure there will be no mold. Onto better news. Yesterday was my first doctor's appointment. I am now officially two months....only 7 more to go. Husband and I saw the ultrasound and were able to see our little fava bean. Actually thats really all it looked like, so I really can't tell you it's cute or anything. We also got to see the heart beating...just a flickering thing in the middle of the little pod. I guess it was pretty cool, made it all a little more real. The morning sickness seems to have settled down to a mild all day/night nausea...much better! Hopefully it will continue to fade away. I guess thats all. I have the day off, so instead of blabbing more about nothing, I think I am going to come check out what you guys have been up to. Hope all is well. (just uploaded a pic for y'all, don't be jealous at how hot it is already...)

absent me

2006-03-21T12:18:00.000-05:00

Once again...yes, I'm still alive. I just don't think pregnancy suits me. If I have to hear one more woman tell me that it was the most wonderful experience and they enjoyed every second of it, I think I'll vomit...and believe me...it will be easy. I wake up every morning to a queasy stomach...eat...feel better, then 20 min. later I feel sick again. This goes on pretty much until I fall asleep at night. I feel sick and crampy and irritable, and headaches and so freakin' tired, if I could only stop peeing 6 times a night, maybe, just maybe I could catch up on some sleep! I know it's all normal, and it will hopefully stop, but I'm suprised pregnant women don't just have complete breakdowns...oh wait...I guess husband would probably argue that I haven't already...poor guy. Ok, I'm done complaining...I know, I know, it will all pay off in the end...the end just seems so incredibly far! I've also heard..."it flies by!, so enjoy every second!" I'm still waiting for time to get away from me. Ok really, I'm done, no more complaining, I feel guilty complaining, I know how hard it is for some people to have kids, I should just be grateful...but it feels good to just get it out. I think I'm just in a bad mood since I thought I had the day off today, and the demon boss decided to change the schedule and not tell me, so I have to go in. Don't you just hate that! Thinking you have a day to yourself...not that anyone wants to be around me right now. Anyway, have a great day to all of you, and thanks for checking in on me. I've been very behind on posting and reading all of yours. My brain is really not working anymore, and forming full sentences is really a task in itself. Hopefully I'll be back to myself soon.

I'm aLiVe!

2006-03-14T18:48:00.000-05:00

Ok, barely...but I'm still breathing. I do like to exaggerate a bit. No, really I'm fine, other than propping my eyes open with toothpicks and sucking on sour candy to keep from vomiting all over the jewelry counter. Don't even say it!! I hear you already..."I told you so." Actually it's not so bad....but I still feel super tired all the time, today was the first day the morning sickness hit me. I just felt nauseous all day, not to the point of throwing up, but as long as I kept eating, I was fine. At this rate I'll be 400lbs by the end of 9months. I'm only freakin' 6 weeks! Most people don't even know they're pregnant until way later...but since I'm a hypochondriac and I notice when anything changes with me, I probably knew at the moment of conception. All I can say is it's going to be a loooong loooong 238 more days! (not that I'm counting.) I would love to keep writing and tell you every exciting detail of my ever changing self right now, but sitting on my butt and eating sounds better. later.

Once again...wisdom from Granny

2006-03-07T17:32:00.000-05:00

G: Hello Sugar, was just hopin' you would call!!

C: Of course I would!

G: Wanna hear a funny joke?

C: Sure Granny

G: There were two old folks (man and a woman) sittn' out on the front porch swingin'.
The man says to the woman, I'm gonna go to the doctor and get me some of em' blue viagra pills....

The old woman stands up and says she'll be back in a while.

Old man asks her where she's goin....

She says I'm gonna go get me a tetnus shot.

He says what n' the hell for?

Old woman tells him if he's gonna take that ol' rusty thing out she had better be prepared.

C: Ha Ha Granny. That's pretty funny.

G: Yeah, thats kinda a dirty one...but you gotta be prepared.

C: Love you Granny.

G: Love you more more more.

week 5

2006-03-06T15:44:00.000-05:00

Another week has come and gone. 5wks pregnant and still counting. So far so good. I'm either really lucky and the morning sickness train has passed me by...or it's still just really early. I'm praying for the first but hearing from many people that it's wishful thinking. Other than that symptoms are fine...a tad of narcolepsy, but otherwise I'm feeling the same old me. I have to say, it is nice to be able to just fall asleep at night...without the use of Tylenol PM...or just watching tv/reading till ungodly hours of the morning. I even wake up early on my own! It's just all craziness I tell ya. Wow how my life has changed from a year ago...and a year from now I can't even imagine.

just some news

2006-02-27T11:11:00.000-05:00

Thanks to all of your advice and understanding about my stupid girl behavior in my last post. I actually am over it already. It just all surfaced when my friend called to tell me about him all over again. You know sometimes you just don't ever want to hear about someone again...out of sight out of mind. It's just better that way.

So I've been trying to decide wether or not I was going to post this next piece of information. But I've decided again, this is my blog diary and I can write what I want. I found out a couple of days ago that husband and I are going to have a baby. My weird cravings and erradic behavior had nothing to do with the moon...or going mental. I actually have a real excuse. It's very early...only about 4 wks., I know you're not supposed to even talk about these things until it's further along, but I figure I'm gonna need to talk good or bad, so there it is. I'm freakin' pregnant.

So, how am I feeling? Not too different at all. I am a little nervous, and a little excited. Husband is very happy, as is all of our family. We are both the oldest on both sides, so it will be the first grandchild. I'm off to work now, I think I'll be keeping it to myself for a while. We'll see how far I can go before I start showing.

Oh lord...city soul...is having a suburb baby.

heartbreaker

2006-02-24T15:25:00.000-05:00

Have you ever had anyone break your heart? Now I don't mean just break it...I mean pull it out of your chest...juggle it around...pretend to love it...then throw it on the ground and stomp it? The kind of relationship that still haunts your mind on more occasions than you wish to admit?

Well, I haven't. No I'm lying. I have and was unfortunately reminded of it today. It started years ago when I came back to the US from working in Tokyo. I was at a photoshoot for YM magazine. He was 28yrs. old, strikingly handsome, and being shot for the bad boy editorial...suprise!

Husband and I had been dating, but were breaking up...and he was on his way to move to LA. It was the perfect time for the perfect rebound relationship to progress. We'll call bad boy, Ashley...because he has one of those dumb girl names. We'll call his last name Bashley...since his ugly first girl name rhymes with his last....NO JOKE! (Ashley Bashley is a made up name to protect the not so innocent.)

Ashley called to have me meet him out in a club one Friday night. I took my drunk, brings home strange men, vomits on the bathroom floor, walks around naked, grandma made me let her move in for a month cousin, Joy. I couldn't show up lookin' fabulous all alone...even if I didn't like to hang with her. Anyway, point of the story is...Ashley and I spent the night dancing, talking...some kissing...and realizing how much we were meant to be together. Later in the night I went to the restroom and he disappeared. He called me the next morning complaining that he couldn't find me anywhere, and just left. He wanted to take me to dinner that night. This was the beginning of our relationship...and what a great start.

Years later, from one of his friends...I found out he went home with another girl....someone that just offered to sleep with him. Ashley broke up with me twice...broke my heart a million times. I could never figure out why I was so weak with him. After all that he did...all of the lies he probably told..I let him hurt me. Maybe it's something to do with my lack of love from my father...looking to make someone love me who wouldn't...or any of that psychobabble.

Ashley called me in NY a month before husband and I got married...he was in town, since he had just moved to LA. ( I know, everyone moves to LA) He wanted to meet for a drink, and just catch up. Since we hadn't dated in years...I thought I would show up...looking fabulous again...and make him cry for not having me in his life now. He had over the past few years tried to win me back...flowers, proposals (fake I'm sure)...but hey, I'm a smart girl...it only takes me 3 or 4 times to get it. I thought I'll see him this last time. Well, I waited...at my bar where he was supposed to meet me...for an hour. He never showed. I was angry...and somewhat worried, since he was the one bugging me to meet up with him. He didn't even call.

He called and emailed a few days later with some bogus story. Me wanting to tell him off, but my smart sister convincing me to take control of the freakin' situation and let it go...to let him go, for good. That meant no calling, no accepting phone calls...no emailing...completely cut off. I have to say when I read his last email, and my finger reluctantly hit delete, I did feel some sense of power. "Hey, I'm choosing to let go of this manipulation." "you are not right for me, you're not good enough for me." Sounds stupid, but it really was empowering. I was saying it's ok if you don't love me. I don't know why it was so important to make him love me. It was always me leaving relationships, if someone did love me, I was turned off, and would break it off. But this I love you, I don't...had me entrapped.

One of my girlfriends...that also lives in LA, called me today, saying she worked at a bar with Ashley last night. He was shocked to hear I gave up my career, got married and moved to CT. Not sure what else. She said he asked alot about me...it gave me a punch in the gut to just hear his name again. If I'm honest, I want to think it hurt him to think of me married to someone else. I wish more that she hadn't told him anything about me. I liked the idea of him not knowing where I am, what I doing, or who I'm with. Just him not knowing, made me happy. I guess a little bit glad he knows. He'll probably never write again...or send some hello text message at 1am. Even though it let me know he was thinking about me....even if I didn't respond.

It's such a dumb thing to have gone through. I get mad at myself thinking how stupid I was. I get mad thinking about how it still bothers me. I don't know...I just felt like talking. This isn't the kind of thing you talk about with your husband. Thanks for listening.

I'm so weird

2006-02-24T11:38:00.000-05:00

Today is my first day off of three in a row from work! How nice is that. How am I spending my time? So far I've eaten a corndog for breakfast...and leftover chinese at 11am...along with a cup of coffee. I'm such a classy lady, I can't handle myself. I've been acting a little off lately...not quite sure what it is. I could be hosting a parasite...or something like one that would make hubby jump with joy. Other than that not much going on at the moment...I'll write more later when my brain cells return to form complete thoughts....they've seem to have also taken a vacation from work.

home alone

2006-02-19T18:17:00.000-05:00

Thanks for all of your nonjudgemental support! I appreciate all of the advice...and what a strange place to find it...in a machine. Anyway, husband and I have discussed his brother and the situation many times. He spoke with him last night and told him if he wanted to come, to move here to CT that is, he would need to help out. Bro has to go back to Kansas, save up some money and at least buy a car. If he does all of that, he is welcome to come, we will help out finding a job, and a place to stay while he looks for something of his own. Sounds fair to me. Not sure how Mother in law is going to like it. I'm sure she'll think it's my doing...because she never "raised them to be that way." So of course it must be me. But whatever, for the time being...all is well. That's all we can do right?...appreciate the moments without chaos. Ok, leaving you with a few pics from our storm last week...hoping it's the last. Aren't you jealous!

Where is the love?

2006-02-15T19:09:00.000-05:00

This holiday my husband and I have been dealing with a major disagreement. Maybe I'm being selfish...Maybe unfair. If I am, please...Feel free to tell me.
My husband has a mother that is an alcoholic, gambling addict, that only calls when she needs something. He had a very difficult childhood. He is the product of a one night stand. He has two brothers. They all have different fathers. They were very close growing up, and took care of each other. I guess Husband, being the oldest was more of a father figure. Their lives were the most normal at one point when their mother married a man that cared for her, and took care of the family. He died when they were young, having a heart attack in front of them, passing away on their living room floor. From then on their mother went downhill and has been mentally and emotionally unstable. She still to this day uses her husband's death as an excuse to not deal with life. She was molested by her father as a child, among other hardships. Husband left home after highschool, was scouted by a modeling agency and traveled the world working and visiting exotic locations. I guess in some ways he made it out. His brothers, both younger have had troubles making anything happen in their lives. Neither have kept jobs for very long. Husband, ever since I have know him, has sent money on command...and opened our home, many times, for mom and both brothers to come and live...with us. It has never worked out. They didn't work....or maybe NYC just wasn't a good place to be. One of his brothers...29yrs. old, living in Colorado now, hasn't paid the bills and is getting booted out. He doesn't want to move back home, (Kansas) but now wants to come and live with us....on our couch! We rent a two bedroom/two bathroom condo. My brother is in school...and is RENTING our other bedroom for the moment, because he can't afford to live on his own. My mother is building a house, and my brother will live with her when it is finished. There are 3 of us in our home now. I can't help not wanting a grown man living in our home, on our couch. He came to live with us once before, chain smoked and had a bad attitude. He didn't work...and didn't work hard enough at finding a job. Husband's mother now believes that I am a big part of the reason he is distanced from them. Maybe I am. He says if it was my family there would be no question...they would be here, and I would be taking care of them. Ok...maybe I would...but this isn't the first time with his family. It isn't the second! How long do we have to take care of them...grown adults? They have no handicaps, no diseases...nothing to feel bad about. Husband says he feels responsible for them...he always will. I can't help but sound like this is a burden. Husband wants a child now. How can we have a family of our own? This is so frustrating. Am I really being selfish? I understand life is hard...and sometimes we need a little help...where do we draw the line?

I'm alive.

2006-02-10T11:05:00.000-05:00

Ok, so the car is fine...and the stove is no longer igniting itself. Just in case anyone was wondering. But I did get the flu. Obviously positive thinking can't exactly fight off germs. Husband got it bad...I took vitamins and told my body not to let those little buggers in...body ignored me. A few days of a sore throat and coughing fits...body aches that could take down a giant...and I'm feeling up to sitting in a computer chair.

I cannot wait for Spring! I'm sure many of you are feeling that also. Not that it has been a painful winter. Husband and I did move from NYC to CT in October. One of the main reasons we wanted to move here was for the outdoors. I love nature...trees...water...etc. NYC you can get a bit of that in Central Park, but it's really not the same. Our move in Fall, didn't give us anytime to fully enjoy it. Now I think I'm getting ahead of myself. Whenever I see the sun shining I drive with the sunroof open. I think I'm getting frostbite. Warm weather is so nice. I really am just so excited for it to come.

So here's to positive thinking....spring...please oh please...come early!

quick stuff.

2006-02-03T10:08:00.000-05:00

So I'm beginning to think someone is trying to tell me something. Last night my husband and I went out to dinner...We had sushi...yum...actually our first time going since moving from the city. On our way home....our NEW car, decided to "put put putter" out...and just die! We restarted it, and pulled into the nearest gas station. We called our warranty number...that tried to get us a tow, only to have the tow company call us to say no one could come because they didn't have a driver. Ok, no problem. We called our insurance...to have the tow people call us to say they couldn't come either. We then called our brother-in-law, that works for the company that sold us the car...he came to get us. Honda is now taking care of all of it for us. But come on! Another car with problems? Bro in law, said the car is acting fine today, but they are still going to work it over. Hmmm...strange.

Husband and I get home last night, just laughing off our luck, since that's about all you can do, when my brother came over. He walked into the kitchen and said, "why is the stove on?" The GAS stove burner, was on full flame to where the flames were jumping off the burner. Two minutes before he went in there, I went to the fridge to get a glass of water....with the lights off. If the stove had been on, I would have seen it!!! Who the hell turned it on? Now you can say maybe I bumped it. No, not even close. Even if you brushed yourself against the knob nothing would happen. For those of you that have a gas stove, or any stove, you have to push the button in, then turn it all the way around to have it on full blast. So what is going on? Am I cursed or something? All these weird things keep happening.

I have to go to work now. Jen I didn't ignore your perfect lover tag, I just haven't had time. Hopefully I can get around to it....since talking about a lover sounds a lot more fun!

Wish me luck today!

My peeps

2006-01-27T09:54:00.000-05:00

Ok, I hate the word peeps...but I had the urge.

My post today is about recognizing a few special people...

First and foremost is someone I've had in my life for a long time now. While she may be far away, we always stay connected. Tomorrow is her 27th birthday!! I wish her the best new year, and thank her for being a part of some of the best...and most interesting times in my life! I love ya Ellen Jay! Happy Happy Birthday!!

Next is a girl I've only met on here. She lives a life identical to the one I just left behind, but she has the balls (ok, not literally) to stick it out, and will hopefully be a star in no time. She's a fantastic writer, and if you haven't checked her out yet, you're really missing out. Take a little stroll to Holliewood.

Last but not least is a pretty cool lady that hit me up for a tag. Now since I have subjected you people and my poor blog to way too much info about myself, I thought I would pass on this one...since there are only so many times you can write about your favorite things, until people are like...shut up already! But this is her first tag so check her out, Bettsbits.

Guess thats all I got for today. I'm off to work to try to beautify some ladies with some sparkles. So peace!...and happy Thursday.

Words of Wisdom from Granny.

2006-01-25T12:07:00.000-05:00

*still lying in bed with husband on a Saturday morning, enjoying not having to get up....pick up the phone to call and check in with Granny that lives in Georgia.*

Ring....Ring...

G: Hey Baby!

CS: Good morning Granny, how are you?

G: Good! What are you doin'?

CS: Oh, nothing much, still lying in bed with H, probably just hanging out today...it's nice having a day off.

G: Well, if you don't get busy in that bed there ain't gonna be no great gran babies.

CS: *shudders at the thought of Granny telling me to have sex.*

for those of us..

2006-01-23T12:48:00.000-05:00

I thought I would share this, if you haven't seen it already. For those of us that lived it....or others that may have just witnessed it.

You know you're a 90's kid if:

You've ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCHE!"

You can sing the rap to "The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air"

You've worn skorts and felt stylish

You yearned to be part of the Baby-Sitters club

You know that "WOAH" comes from Joey from "Blossom" and that "How Rude!" comes from Stephanie from "Full House"

You remember when it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.

You wore a ponytail on the side of your head and had fluffed bangs

You got super excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.

You wanted to change your name to "JEM" in kindergarten

You remember reading "Goosebumps"

You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, wax off"

You have pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.

You took plastic cartoon lunch boxes to school.

You remember the craze then the banning of slap bracelets and slam books.

You still get the urge to say "NOT" after (almost) every sentence...Not...

You remember "I've fallen and I can't get up"

You ever got injured on a Slip 'n' Slide

You wore socks over leggings"Miss Mary Mack, Mack, Mack, all dressed in black, black, black, with silver buttons, buttons, buttons, all down her back, back, back"

You remember boom boxes vs. cd players

You knew what it meant to say "Care Bear Stare"

You remember Vicki the RobotYou remember New Kids on The Block when they were cool

You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By The Bell"

You played and or collected "Pogs"

You owned a Skip It

You watched the original Care Bears, My Little Pony, and Ninja Turtles

All your school supplies were "Lisa Frank"

You used to wear those stick on earings, not only on your ears, but at the corners of your eyes.

You've gotten creeped out by "Are You Afraid of the Dark?"

You know the Macarena by heart.

"Talk to the hand" ... enough said

Where'd you go?

2006-01-23T10:05:00.000-05:00

It seems that I have lost my thunder for posting...and I'm not the only one. I went through everyone on my blogroll and it seems that many have also lost that spark to write everyday. What was it that I got from it originally? Writing anonymously for others to observe. It gave me the ability to be open and honest...like writing in a diary, but better, because your diary and it's many personalities could write back. Did I become too boring for my own diary, my mundane life not exciting enough to share? I don't know really, but I think I miss it.

My friends from NY, keep trying to recruit me to join myspace.com. I have been avoiding it to no end. To me it seems a cheesy "blog" site (if you can even call it that) to meet other people. It's an online meat market to show off how hot you are, rather than stories and experiences to share. Last night I gave in and set up a profile...ONLY to keep in contact with my friends. I have no urge to post...and I'm sure the people on there have no urge to read.

Isn't that ironic in a way? The people that know me...in person I mean...know me less than the people that know me here. Better explained: My myspace friends, will hear nothing about what is going on with my life..other than a picture and a "yo whats up." The people on this blog site hear everything that I feel and go through on a daily basis, when I take the time to write, but you don't even know my first name.

I guess what I'm saying by all of this is I appreciate this place and all of our writing.
It's real...it's mundane. So I'm welcoming myself back, to writing about laundry...or my sick dogs...or anything I feel the urge to say. I hope you all continue to do the same.

oh, and no offense to any myspacers....it's cool...really.

Wednesday

2006-01-18T11:23:00.000-05:00

So I haven't been posting much. Maybe I just feel I haven't had much to say...at least nothing worth typing about. You know, the same old stuff... I miss NY, CT is boring...blah blah blah...I'm even sick of listening to myself. I have been working, so that is also keeping me away.

For the drama of my week...my dogs decided to open the pantry..rip open a garbage bag, and eat it's contents. There was chocolate in the bag, which is poisonous to dogs. None of them got sick except the little 4lb chihuahua with epliepsy. Of course! So husband and I ended up in the animal emergency room at 1am, after she had a pretty big seizure. She's home now...and seems to be recovering ok. I feel like I keep having the worst luck when it comes to my pets. Random foot growths...epilepsy...now eating chocolate! Give me a freakin' break!

Other than that, life has been pretty good. No complaints really. I am enjoying being closer to my family...it's nice to be around people that really do want you to be happy. Nice change.

quote

2006-01-17T10:55:00.000-05:00

"People want so much. We want to be someone else. I want to be stronger. I want to be more directed. I want to be superwoman. But it's not possible. You must accept your condition. But "accept" is active. Who you are is active. Passive acceptance- that's the immobile, inanimate Zen. It's not the Zen I'm talking about. There's passion here. Spirit for the quest. This is important: the sincerity of our quest and how we go about it. Are you prepared? Do you want to walk on this path? Don't think about it too much. Just walk! C'mon, let's go! That's Zen."
-Jakusho Kwong

my ABCD's

2006-01-11T10:47:00.000-05:00

ABCDs

A is for Age: 27

B is for Booze of choice: Glass of red wine, when I'm at home. Kettle one and club sodas when I'm out for the night.

C is for Career: still to be determined.

D is for your Dog's name: Chief, Mia and Jade.

E is for Essential items you use every day:Deodorant, toothpaste...perfume...moisterizer, soap...coffee...

F is for Favorite song at the moment: hmmm...don't really have a fav at the moment

G is for favorite Games: playing random jokes on people. like hiding rubber snakes.

H is for Hometown: hmm...original: Jacksonville, FL

I is for Instruments you play: air guitar

J is for Jam or Jelly you like: does peanut butter count?

K is for Kids: Just the pups as of now

L is for Last kiss: this morning

M is for Most admired trait: I like my stomach.

N is for Name of your crush: when that guy sings that song "You're beautiful", I think he sounds pretty hot.

O is for Overnight hospital stays:None.

P is for phobias: never "finding" myself ...oh, and when I'm home alone and hear strange sounds, I start to believe in ghosts.

Q is for quotes you like: one of many "People who never get carried away should be." - Malcolm Forbes

R is for biggest Regret: adopting a poor broken old dog from the animal shelter. Keeping her for a year, but she wouldn't stop peeing everywhere...so I gave her away...to someone I didn't know. I cried everyday for a week, and I still feel a pit in my stomach when I think about her, cause I don't know what happened, or if she was ok.

S is for Sweets of your choice: I don't like sweets.

T is for Time you wake up: around 9am

U is for Underwear: Thongs...I don't like underwear lines showing through my pants.

V is for Vegetable you love:I really love all veggies, always have.

W is for Worst Habit:playing with my hair, when I'm bored, happy, sad, anxious...etc.

X is for X-rays you've had:Dental, kidney stones

Y is for Yummy food you make: I like to think it's all good, but my husband especially loves when I make "trailor park" meals....mixing everything we have in the kitchen together when no one wants to go to the grocery store.

Z is for Zodiac sign:Virgo.

I'm not tagging anyone, but whoever is bored like me...is welcome to play along.

A day at home.

2006-01-10T09:51:00.000-05:00

I left NYC three months and ten days ago...Not that I'm counting. My life was in a downward spiral. I felt stuck, and I wasn't happy. I had a modeling agency close and steal thousands of dollars from me. I threw myself into bartending a few nights a week...Which was filled with partying and drugs. All of the people in my life were not real, and life was about where they were going. I became confused with what I wanted.

I woke up this morning, away from it all. I still feel the longing for what I left behind. For the life of me, I can't figure out what it is that I'm still missing so much. Besides the wonderful city that I love with every part of me,( that I'm close enough to visit whenever I want!). Is it the drama? The excitement of it all? I mean, my life is pretty quiet now. It's all just so damn different! Maybe I'll move back one day. Or maybe I'll let that life be a part of me and stay in my past.

Husband and I talk about having kids now. Not that we're trying! But if it happens, it happens. That's one of the big reasons why we moved here, a better place to raise a family. How do you know when you're ready to be responsible for another human being? I mean I am the most nurturing person I know. Maybe it's the thought of having to grow up myself. People I talk to say you can't plan for something like that...You're never ready. You just do it.
I don't know...We'll see.

I have the day off today...And I have about 300lbs of laundry to wash. Not too different from what I would be doing if I was still in Manhattan. Just without a hangover. Guess it's not so bad afterall.

Zen calendar says:

"Abjure the why and seek the how."
-Sir Richard Francis Burton

Buddha says...

2006-01-09T16:47:00.000-05:00

"I have something. When you look at it, it's there, but when you look for it, it's not. What is it?"
-Zen Koan

Anyone know what it is? I'm really curious.

The past few days have been better. I went out a few nights, and relieved some stress. It's amazing the effect vodka has. I think everyone around me has been super stressed and have been using me as a giant ear.

Which is ok, I don't mind being the shoulder to lean on, but sometimes they forget to ask how I'm doing. Kinda brings you down, when that's the mood of everyone around you.

Well, life is good...I hope Jules has a better day, we've all been there.

Thursay

2006-01-05T12:00:00.000-05:00

Thirteen Things about CITYSOUL

1. This Thursday 13 may be getting a little old, but hey, I feel like writing and I have nothing else to say...and it's my blog.

2. I don't want to go to work today, yes I know, who the hell does?

3. My dog is home from the hospital having the "growth" removed from his foot...no it wasn't cancer, just a $400.00 nuisance.

4. My husband has been very stressed at work lately, it's not working for us.

5. My stepdad gave me an inversion table, my new favorite thing is hanging upside down...I don't even know what it's really for, nor do I care.

6. I had to reformat my computer yesterday because of some asshole virus, and now everything I had saved on here is gone. I have to find everything all over again.

7. I sound kinda pissed today.

8. Could be listening to unhappy people so much for the past week that it's bringing me down...could also be all the rain and snow.

9. I still daydream about winning the lottery...even though I haven't played in a while, and I don't think my life is supposed to be that easy.

10. I found a few grey hairs...I'm 27...that makes me pissed. I guess it's ok since I color my hair anyway, although now I have to pay for it. I used to get it done for free at the best salon when I lived in NYC, damnit Connecticut.

11. I hate to listen to myself complain...it sounds stupid and selfish, because I know I have alot to be grateful for....it just feels good to get it out.

12. I am a great motivational speaker, I always help people see the positive in everything....does that mean I'm a fraud if I am pessimistic when it comes to myself?

13. I will sign off with the Buddha calendar quote of the day, cause I'm cool like that,

"Little minds are interested in the extrodinary; great minds are interested in the commonplace." - Elbert Hubbard

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Another year

2006-01-03T11:17:00.000-05:00

My New Year's Eve was interesting to say the least. I'm not sure what I expected. The past few years I have worked, since everyone knows there is no better night for a bartender to make major bank. Since I have a "real" job this year, I had the night off and decided to spend it with my new girlfriend from work. Yes, this is the girl I've been talking about with the cheating boyfriend. She has since discovered, not only is he a cheater, but really a plain psychopath. It has all turned into a Lifetime drama...He was basically carrying on with a triple life, having relationships with three different women. With the schedule of a homicide detective, (yes he really is) it was very easy for him to lie about his where abouts. Since her life is a tornado and she was alone, husband dropped me off at her house for a girlsnight out to ring in the new year.

We arrived at the bar just minitues before midnight and were able to cheers with a shot of Stoli O and a hug with promises of a great friendship to come. Looking around I was still very unsure of this new town "scene", but I sipped my cocktail and prepared to be a good sport. We ventured home at 2am, and I thanked my lucky stars for the husband I had at home, after a night of talking to blubbering idiots. We were pretty drunk when we got back to her house, and she proceeded to drunk dial everyone in her phone, and every number she could find on scrap paper around the house. After about an hour of this, I yelled at her and told her to drop the damn phone or I was finding a way home. She hung up and with a quivering lip burst into tears. The guilt of my insensitivity set in, and I made her sit next to me on the couch. I held her and rubbed her head for hours, assuring her everything would be ok. All of which would have been very awkward had we not been extremely buzzed. We fell asleep at who knows what hour, but at least there was silence.

I awoke sometime around 10am, with a spinning headache and a drooling boxer panting in my face. I looked over to see my friend still asleep, so I dragged my ass out of bed to take the dog out. Once again feeling how weird this is to be taking care of someone I hardly know. I stayed at her house, assuring her my night was great, and not to worry about the drama. Husband picked me up in the early evening, after work and I thanked him greatly for being the sane part of my life.

I have been thinking about this whole New Year's resolution thing...I mean, we make them...but we don't really stick to them. I guess I have a few I would like to try

1. when other people are making decisions for themselves, not to be critical and give unsolicited advice. People need to make their own mistakes to learn from them.

2. Find inner peace. Not be so critical of myself, stop feeling as though I should be doing more.

3. Get over feeling as though I am nothing unless everyone else in the world can see it. Lack of attention as a child has made me want to overcompensate as an adult...Hence wanting to be the famous actress...someone that other people love and respect.

4. I have many small passions, things I love to do..but I would like to find one that I could someday make a living at.

I hope you all had a great New Years'.

Oh I received a Buddha calender for Christmas with daily teachings...so Buddha lesson of the day is:

"On the day you were born, you begin to die. Do not waste a single moment more."
- Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoche

Thursday

2005-12-29T09:46:00.000-05:00

Thirteen Things about CITYSOUL

1. Hubby and I have been looking at a few houses to buy. A friend of mine has a neighbor moving and gave us the idea. We still have a lease for a year on our apartment, so I think we may wait. I can't believe we're actually thinking of buying a house though...I still feel like I'm 12.

2. Shedevil boss got a puppy from her boyfriend for Christmas. Being an animal lover I feel deep sorrow for the pup...though I have great joy that it's keeping her away more.

3. My new girlfriend has been back with her cheater boyfriend. I just don't get it...but I'm trying to live and let live...

4. I sold so much jewelry where I work before Christmas...major commission...though now many people are returning it...which sucks! I lose the money.

5. One of my dogs is having surgery today to remove a benign growth from his foot. I have such bad luck with my dogs having strange issues. I've had to spend enough money on them to feed a small army.

6. My Christmas tree is shedding all over my floor. I wish it could take itself down.

7. I have been having a lot of sex dreams lately...again I feel like I'm 12(yr. old boy), wonder what that means.

8. I'm not very fond of the color purple.

9. I bought a rubber snake at the grocery store yesterday...(many stares while waiting in line.) I came home and put it in my brother's room to scare him...didn't work. Then I hid it in the bathroom to scare hubby when he came home...I heard him laughing. My plans failed. I think I need to get a new hobby.

10. I'm so sick of gloomy, rainy weather.

11. I am enjoying driving again and listening to great music. Something I forgot about while living in the city.

12. & 13. No time to finish, I have to leave for work. I'm super anal about being on time...that I'm usually waaaay to early. Even if I leave late...I'm still early. I have a problem.

Links to other Thursday Thirteens!
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Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

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Post Hoiday

2005-12-26T10:12:00.000-05:00

Tagged by Neo: to post what's in my fridge. What's great is I already had the picture. My brother was so proud of it's contents, he thought a photo would be a work of art. I would love to tag 5 of you, but since I know some of you don't have a digital camera...I am leaving it up to those of you who do...

My sister, brother, husband and I spent Christmas Day at my mother's new (unfinished) home. It was nice being with family...something I really appreciate and am thankful for, now that I live nearby. I hope you all also got everything you wanted.

It's Thursday again...

2005-12-22T09:31:00.000-05:00

Thirteen Things about cItYsOuL

1. This is my 50th post about nothing really...but it's nice to have a home to put my ramblings in.

2. Today at work we're exchanging our secret santa gifts. Guess who I pulled out of the hat??? Oh yeah...demon boss. She said she's getting a puppy so I got her a gift certificate and some puppy toys, though my co-workers said I should have gotten her a muzzle.

3. There is a man from NY...I told him he was cute once. He became strangely obsessed. I became engaged and told him to leave me alone. He found out I moved to CT and is trying to track me down. He's been calling my cell, I ignore his messages thinking he will get the point, but a few weeks later he'll call again like nothing happend. Creepy.

4. So my new friend at work told me all about her cheating boyfriend. He cheated on his exwife and her many times. I can't understand how women can put up with that...make excuses and just pretend it never happend. I guess thats what my mother did for some time.

5. I think my new next door neighbor reported us for not having our "tiny" dogs on a leash, in the backyard with no one around. He came home one day and they were out playing with me, and he ran back up the stairs, with fear in his eyes. 10 lbs? come on. I want to leave dog crap on his door...but I guess he would know it was me. I need to own my own home so I don't have to deal with crazies anymore.

6. We had around 25 people come to our party last Saturday. It was alot of fun, but the best part was everybody brought food or wine...and our kitchen is still full.

7. I've been craving chinese food lately.

8. My favorite color is red...sometimes it changes.

9. I'm happy I'm warm in my new car...and not in NYC during the transit strike....but sorry to those of you that are.

10. My grandparents want me to visit them while they are in Florida this winter. I'm already having anxiety and making excuses not to fly there. I am extremely afraid of flying...could be post tramatic stress from being present during 911. I have dreams constantly about crashing, I'm not sure if it's a sign, or I'm just being paranoid. So I would like to avoid it at all costs.

11. My Christmas shopping is done. I told my husband for us not to get each other anything. I think we have everything, and buying things with don't need are useless. We should just take the time to go get a new car. He half thinks I'm joking and am going to get him something anyway...I'm not, so I hope he doesn't get me anything.

12. My dad is donating money to the homeless shelter he volunteers at in our (his kids) names, instead of buying presents this year. The sad thing is I think he might be doing it because it's easier than buying gifts since my mother always did it for him. Though I do think it's a good idea.

13. I need to clean my apartment and get ready for work, so 13 is over.

Links to other Thursday Thirteens!
1. (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

More Tagging Fun

2005-12-19T10:48:00.000-05:00

Thanks to Jen, I get to tell ya'll more about me. I'm tagging anyone on my blog favorites list that hasn't been hit already.

10 years ago...I was 17! I was in highschool, in love with my highschool boyfriend. I lost my virginity that year. I was captain of the cheerleading squad and had a pack of best girlfriends that I hung out with everyday.

5 years ago...I was living in Tokyo, Japan modeling, dating a rock star.

This last year...I was living in NYC, bartending and acting. I got married...and decided to move to CT.

5 Yummy Things.....Spaghetti and pizza.....My husband.....a good cocktail.....candles that smell good...having those days where life just feels right

5 Things I Know By Heart...Anxiety and fear of the unknown...Love...how to take care of someone...that life will never be easy, but if you're going through a hard time, things always work out, or they do get easier... "FOFO" (find out, before you freak out)

5 Things I'd Do If I Had Lots Of Money......take care of my family....Travel....Have a nice home (own my own home)... have a family...I have to go with Jen on helpling abused animals

5 Places I Escape To....my room...the bath...(used to walk around the city aimlessly just thinking)...reading a good book...the outdoors

5 Things I'd Never Wear.....Fur...mary jane shoes ( don't know why, I just don't like them), Metalic and spandex clothing...hairspray ( I don't like having crunchy hair)...a bob haircut

5 Fave TV Shows.....Grey's Anatomy.....Lost.....Desperate Housewives.....House.....Extreme Home Makeover.

5 Things I Enjoy Doing.....Reading blogs.....Reading...Writing......Making things pretty(home decorating).....Talking.

It's my party!...

2005-12-17T13:48:00.000-05:00

And I'll cry if I want to!

Last night at 1am, my new girlfriend from work called sobbing. She was supposed to meet up with her boyfriend at 1030pm. When he didn't show up she went to the bar where he was having his Christmas party. She found him in the back room making out with another girl. She ran out as he chased her screaming. I feel bad that she has to go through that. She needs to break up with him though. This isn't the first time he's done that to her...and he also cheated on his first wife. He's 37...He's not 19. He's a grown man, and if he hasn't changed by now, he probably won't. I can't see wasting time in a relationship where there is no trust. She also has a 7 year old daughter. Speaking from a girl that had a mother with a cheating husband, it really doesn't set the best example. I guess I'm telling this story because she called me...To tell me...Above all people. It kind made me feel good. Seeing as I don't any girlfriends here besides my mother and sister...And they have no choice. It's nice when someone chooses you to confide in....It's hard starting over. I feel real friends are not easy to come by the older you get.

This morning my sister shows up at my apartment to go shopping for our party tonight. She had her Christmas get together last night with everyone from the hospital. Her and Dr. Dreamy had a great night talking and getting to know one another. I guess my tone of voice wasn't exactly supportive because we ended up arguing and her backing out of coming tonight! Why do I feel like her breaking up with her fiance has anything to do with me? I do want her to be happy. I just don't want her to get hurt and make some of the same stupid mistakes I did. I guess we all need to learn on our own. If Dr. Dreamy is who she wants, then I guess I better start accepting it. Anyway, we made up and now she's napping in my room while I set up for the party.

Hmmm...I guess it will be interesting above all. Work girlfriend is now coming alone....with a bag of tears. My sister will be there....and so will fiance she is breaking up with. Nothing like a good sack of drama to top off the festivities. Add liquor to the mix, theres sure to be plenty of fun.

5 bad habits to reveal to the world...

2005-12-16T11:14:00.000-05:00

So I've been tagged by Ellen post 5 bad habits...as if I have 5!

(probably more like 45)...and then tag 5 of you...

1) I must always be doing more than one thing at a time. If I have to blow dry my hair...I have to do it while sitting in front of the computer....while watching tv...and drinking coffee.

2) If I am alone...shopping...eating out...I like to call and talk to someone on the phone.

3) It takes me at least 2 weeks, an overflowing hamper... and running out of clothes to do my laundry.

4) I can't stand to have dirty dishes in the sink, or my house being a mess. Things need to be cleaned as they are used.

5) I read too much celebrity crap and compare it to myself. I should see more of what I have compared to people that don't. It's a big product of the industry I was in for a decade.

Now my 5 victims are: A.Star, Alanna, Ellen Jay, Jax and Jules

below 0

2005-12-14T18:00:00.000-05:00

Can you believe it was freakin' below zero this morning? Sooo damn cold! Thank the Lord for electric blankets is all I've got to say about that! Now if I can just invent warming clothes for getting out of bed.

The other day I had a talk with my boss about the way she acts. Well, really I just asked her how my performace has been since I started...I tried to phrase it in a way that it wouldn't seem as though I was attacking, and she couldn't get defensive. I think it caught her off guard, she looked a bit stunned. She blabbered about if I wasn't doing well she would come to me, and it just, "takes some time to warm up to people"....hmmmm. My husand says thats B.S. and you can't admit to your employee that there is differential treatment. Well, whatever, now I have some dirt...if I ever need to use it. Since the talk she has been much nicer though. I don't care if it's fake or not, it's not like I want to be her friend or anything. Seriously...not my type.

I had another day off today. I went and had lunch with my mother, and finished up with the Christmas shopping. I still don't see where all the people are coming from. In NYC, ok, I understand the crowds. But in CT....on a Wednesday afternoon? Aren't people working? Just pure craziness. Our party is this Saturday. I'm usually the hostess with the mostess. I haven't done anything except buy a tablecloth. There is so much to do... My mind is on the cocktails....though with my new found no tolerance for liquor I could be passed out before the people arrive. It's funny when I think back a few years...before a big party, my friends and I would drink alot a few weeks in advance just so we could build up a tolerance. Kids! (hmm?)

Shopped OUT!

2005-12-12T15:48:00.000-05:00

Today is the first day I did some Christmas shopping. I wasn't going to do any at all. I love buying gifts for people, I really do...it's so much better than receiving them. This year I just moved and I have so much more I need to buy...another car...a house...you know...nothing big. So since I just moved, I don't have any close friends yet, that saves me from buying those. My family had all agreed that we wouldn't buy gifts, since the holiday is so commercialized now anyway, and besides it's mostly for children. We would just spend the holiday together. That is what it's supposed to be about. Some good food, conversation...and just together time. I don't know who did it first....probably my mother, went and bought, "just something little." How can I get a gift and not give anything in return? So that brings me to the fun shopping I had at the mall today. You would think a Monday morning would be nice and quiet...but no way. People are ruthless! Pushing, shoving...I love shopping as much as the next girl, but today was even too much for me. I still have a few more things to get...many cards to mail out...and a few dozen glasses of eggnog to get me through it.

Thursday 13

2005-12-08T17:28:00.000-05:00

Thirteen Things about CITY

1. I still am not feeling the christmas spirit. It was always my favorite holiday, not just the presents (as a kid), but there seemed to be something magical about it. I've kinda lost that magic, and decorating doesn't seem to be helping.

2. As much as I really like my new job, I dislike my new boss equally. She is rude to me, and I can't figure why, she's just a big asshole.

3. Husband and I still have not bought a second car. We are looking, but not sure what to get. The hoopty has been running fine, but we still need another...in the meantime we usually alternate with the new car.

4. It's supposed to snow tonight 4-8 inches. I still get excited about snow storms. People here think I'm crazy. It could have something to do with growing up in Florida.

5. I keep thinking more and more everyday about starting my own business. It scares me when I think I haven't figured out what I want to do with my life. I just want to be able to be creative...and work for myself...or with a partner. Yeah, doesn't everyone.

6. Husband and I have been having more and better sex since we moved... interesting...and a big plus.

7. I made a new friend at work...and I really like her! That sounds stupid, but do you know what it's like to try and make "girl" friends at my age? Not that I'm old, but everyone has all their friends, or are getting married...all that stuff.

8. I am secretly upset my sister and her fiance are on a break, and she is interested in a doctor that she works with. I like her fiance, he "fits in" with our family and what if someone else doesn't. I know thats selfish to say, thats why it's my secret and I support whatever decision she makes for herself.

9. Two months ago I could drink a ridiculous amount of alcohol in one night and be fine. I went to dinner the other night and had one beer...I had a buzz. Guess thats what they mean when they say you build up a tolerance...I've lost mine. Probably not a bad thing.

10. I'm looking forward to the Christmas party my sister and I are having at my house on the 17th, but most of the people will probably be her friends. But hey...give me a beer and I probably won't know the difference.

11. I keep wactching and reading about celebrity news...it makes me sad and I feel like I gave up, so I have to turn it off.

12. I keep wondering what I would do if I could go back to NY today...if my apartment would still be there, and I could just walk away from everything here? I don't think I would...but that doesn't mean I don't still miss it...and keep bugging myself with the same damn question!

13. My life is boring now, so I'm stopping at 12...I'm tagging any of you reading this to do Thursday Thirteens also, so my life can be more exciting by reading about yours.

Links to other Thursday Thirteens!
1. (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

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The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

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2005-12-02T16:11:00.000-05:00

My Dad

2005-12-02T09:27:00.000-05:00

Another day off of work! What did I do to deserve such a joyous occasion!?

I just got back from having breakfast with my Dad. He told me this weekend, he and his fiance...We'll call her Mama Lizzy...Actually that is what I call her (not to her face anyway), they are taking her 7 year old niece to Manhattan for the day to look at Christmas windows and decorations. Lovely you think, right? Not to me...there are so many things wrong with that I just don't know where to start. My Dad was never much of a family man...and I don't think likes children very much, so growing up with him was a bit difficult, since he had the warmness of an ice cube. Ok maybe thats sounds a bit harsh. Don't get me wrong, I love my father. He's my father, I'll always love him, but that doesn't mean he was the best. There were no hugs...no I love you's said...only stern looks, and staying out of his way. He hated holidays...(he was raised jewish, but that's still no reason to hate Christmas), hated crowds and never wanted to go anywhere. Me taking a trip to NYC right now would be like pouring salt on an open wound, it's still too new. Now my father!...my dad...is taking another little girl to the most crowded place in the country to see freakin Christmas lights!!!! To the city I just moved home from! It hurts my heart...though I know in my head I want my father to be a better man...and to change. He has been trying and taking a kid to Manhattan is a show of how different he is. It just makes me sad that it wasn't me. It's not even a kid I know. Is all this selfish? He is decorating his house with Mama Lizzy...he hated our decorations. What if he becomes the father I always wanted...to someone else? I mean, that is what I want. I want him to be better...I guess I'm just jealous. I won't say anything to him...I've tried and he thinks it's an attack. I'm happy if he's getting joy out of things that he always seemed so frustrated by. I just wish it was with us.

December 1st

2005-12-01T09:19:00.000-05:00

Last night my sister and I went to the store looking for decorations in preparation for our Christmas party, and just to start making the house look a little more festive. We argued over most of them...me wanting coordinating (white lights, matching ornaments), her wanting multi-colored and a large singing santa. I won...seeing as I was paying and the party is at my house. Though she is still insisting my matching theme will be boring. We came home and threw the stuff in a closet to put it up another day, and she went home.

I turned the television on to be faced with the tree lighting in Rockefeller Center. Just another reminder of something I love about the city that I had to leave behind. Now this shouldn't be such a big deal to watch on TV. Hubby and I actually went to the event one year. It was freezing and we had small girls pushing us in a mosh pit, as NSYNC was performing that night. We didn't even stay to see the lighting. We went home and finished watching on tv. Every year after that we've just stayed in our NYC apartment watching from the comfort of our warm couch, just like everyone else in the country. But the memory of it always seems more romantic than it really was...so as I felt the nostalgic pain in my stomach I decided I wasn't going to let it get me down. I opened the closet and took out the bags of decorations and tried to put a few up myself. As the carolers sang, I hammered the garland to the bar and belted out my own songs. Husband came over and tried to help and encouraged my awful singing.

I have a few decorations up. I think we're getting a tree tomorrow, since I have the day off. I'm just gonna keep singing until the spirit catches up with me.

"Jingle Bells....Batman smells..."

Day Off

2005-11-30T12:08:00.000-05:00

Today is my first day off after working six. Black Friday wasn't too bad...then again, being from NYC, crowds never seem to phase me. I enjoy being busy at work, just makes the time pass faster. Even though I have a day off, I'm still working all day. Just one day off to run all my errands. I have to take one of our dogs to the vet today to get her a new prescription of anti-seizure meds...and one of my other dogs has been vomiting after eating something bad...so I'm just running around trying to clean up after him!

I would like to decorate for Christmas...though I'm kind of feeling "bah humbugish". I think the holidays are more fun with young kids around. The youngest kid in our family is 21...not much magic left at that age. I'm sure I'll decorate anyway...one day I would like to be like Clark Griswald in National Lampoons Christmas Vaca. That's my favorite holiday movie...so funny. My sister and I are having a party at my house on the 17th, so I better get in the spirit. I'll take some pics after I get it all up.

Inappropriate David

2005-11-25T08:41:00.000-05:00

I spent Thanksgiving dinner at my Aunt's house ( my dad's sister )...since my parents divorced I'm now splitting the holidays. I'll be spending Christmas with my mother. It was my husband and I, my sister and brother...Aunt, Uncle, 2 cousins, Grandma, Grandpa, Dad and his new fiance (who's my husband's age)...and my Aunt that lives in NYC - she brought one of her new boyfriends...that my bro, sis and I have dubbed: Inappropriate David. Have you ever been around someone who's presence just makes things awkward? He kept saying the stupidest things over and over again.

My Aunt is in Nursing school, so David as a joke bought a litte Fischer Price doctor bag. He brought it out at the dinner table and proceeded to "doctor" everyone. Now let me tell you, this is my uptight a little snobbish Jewish side of the family. My brother walks back into the room...

bro: what is that for?

david: to get any 6 year old girl to play doctor with me!

everyone: silence....sis giggling under her breath at his obnoxious statement. He meant it as a joke...that it's a kids doctor bag...but come on! thats just inappropriate!

My grandma then starts talking about having a headache.

David: I can take you to the back room with my kit and give you a check up?!

all of us: awww man! sis giggling under breath.

David: drawing a picture on a napkin for my Aunt to study in nursing school. (supposed to be a pic of the anatomy) look everyone....it's a stick figure with boobies!

The obnoxiousness went on and on. You wanted to laugh, but it was more at him than with him. This man is in his 50's....(so is my aunt.)

My husband and brother laughed all the way home.
Well, he definitely broke up the lull in the conversation...just making everyone a bit uncomfortable....though definitely not boring!

Thanks

2005-11-24T09:31:00.000-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving!

Today is a day for giving thanks....I am thankful for so much. I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday...and eats lots of food. I am spending the day with my Dad's side of the family...should be interesting as always.

Happy Birthday to my girl Jenius! I hope she has a wonderful day!

Nothin' Much

2005-11-21T19:56:00.000-05:00

I haven't posted in a few days, I've been so busy with the full time job. I thought I would hate it, but I'm really loving it. So strange...goes to show you should try new things, you never know what you'll end up liking. It's even making me happy being here in CT...I haven't missed NYC in a whole week! That's big!! Ok, well I'm going to spend some time with the hubby, I just wanted to post a funny email I got today...I'm sure you'll all be able to relate!

I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your damn chain letters over the past few years. Yes, thank you, thank you,thank you from the bottom of what's left of my heart for making me feel safe,secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Because of your concern...I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or DR Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the rat feces and urine. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer use margarine because it's one molecule away from being plastic.I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually AlQaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupidnumber for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Jamaica, Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan .

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer date the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have theirrecipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. (Geez,the BIBLE did not mention it works that way!)

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the$15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

Yes, I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for me! I will now return the favor.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will crap on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your armpits. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of my next door neighbor'sex-mother-in-law's 8th husband's 2nd cousin's 3rd husband's ex-wife's other's beautician!

Gaaaawd! &!#)&%)()(#$

2005-11-15T18:18:00.000-05:00

Work has been pretty good. Finished my three days of training today, and I sold three pieces of jewelry, quite lovely. It's an interesting job, guess by the time I figure out what I really want to do, I will be able to say I tried almost everything at least once...well not everything, but I feel like I've had many different jobs. The car is holding up just fine, thanks for all of your stories about the pieces of shit you've had to deal with over the years. As soon as Husband and I get some time we'll get out to look for another car. Until then we've been taking turns with the new car and the hoopty...it's only fair. I would rather not go car shopping alone, so if he would ever get some time off! Other than that CT is going pretty well. I finally am starting to feel at home. We still have so many friends and family that live in the city, so it's easy to go and stay any time, and I'm really appreciating all the space! Other than that not much else...hubby is cooking me dinner right now...rare occasion, but I am a working woman ...I deserve to be waited on once in a while. ;)

Bojangles

2005-11-11T14:43:00.000-05:00

So the beater my husband and I were borrowing from the grandparents is home once again. This is the second time my grandfather has paid to have it fixed...if you can call it that. I think it's just temporarily capable. I have never seen a car break down more. We did buy one new car, but we were hoping to not have to buy 2 at the same time. Living in NYC you don't need a car, since we have both been there for over 8 years we haven't owned one in awhile. I'm trying to suck it up and deal with driving a piece of crap...it's not that I'm worried about what it looks like, I just want something dependable. Tomorrow is my first day of work...yes, I am a housewife no longer...thank the Lord! It's gettin' damn boring. I just hope Mr. Bojangles will hold up. I have a feeling we may be car shopping sooner than we had hoped.

Oh, his name is Bojangles cause when you drive it jingles...just seemed appropriate.

2005-11-08T13:18:00.000-05:00

"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes, Awww!"

Jack Kerouac

The Reading

2005-11-07T11:48:00.000-05:00

Mental Flashback...6 yrs.

Buzz. Buzz. Buzzzzzz.

I stopped by the mirror one last time to check my reflection. Hair messy and tousled without looking like I tried too hard...check...hip hugger jean skirt, ripped in all the right places, pulled too low on my hips..check...lip gloss, the right shade of clear, thick enough to stick to my hair, check! I ran down the yellowing tile stairs composing myself while trying not to trip on my new kitten heeled flip flops. Deep breath..and sly smile in place..."hey", I said nonchalantly and sweet, slowing sliding my oversized black Chanel sunglasses over my eyes. "Ready babe?", he said coolly as he threw his muscular arm over my bare suntanned shoulders. "Uh huh, where are you taking me?" "You'll see...something different." My excitement grew as the butterflies in my stomach felt more like the large black grackles in the movie The Birds, attacking my insides. I was enamored with this handsome arrogant man and damnit I wasn't going to let him know it!

We stopped on the corner of 7th Avenue South, a busy intersection with obnoxious horn blowing taxis and a sombrero wearing Mexican restaurant. "Hmmm" I thought...not so romantic. We turned the corner and he rang the buzzer on this little decrepit building. The windows were large and rimmed with a shiny gold metal. I glanced at the name on buzzer...Zena. "What the hell?!" "Yeesss!" screeched a raspy voice. "We're here for a reading" said arrogant man. We're at a psychic??...I thought of a reading I had once in the past, which was a complete load of crap, so I was a bit disappointed this was the wonderful outing he had planned for us today. I put on the sexiest smile I could pull off and hesitantly walked through the large wooden door he held open for me.

I looked around the small crowded room as we waited for Zena to make her entrance. The curtains blocked out most of the sunlight and the room was lit by musk smelling candles. There was a small table in the center of the room, with a crystal ball that had a strange glow about it. A chill ran down my spine even though the summer heat was creeping through the slightly cracked open windows. A movement in my peripheral vision caused me to jump, and I quickly glanced over my shoulder. There was a spiral staircase I hadn't noticed before with long flowy fabric gliding down. Slowly moving step by step, small feet with sparkling slippers moved towards us. It seemed as though we were both hypnotized. "How did you find me?", her voice was soft yet compelling. "A friend that I worked with on a film." cracked arrogant man. My lips sealed tight as I tried to find words, I coughed through my dry mouth trying to swallow. "What can I do for you then?" replied Zena.

He sat at the table across from the psychic wiping his palms against his khaki shorts. Zena began shuffling the cards with more skill than a vegas poker dealer. She layed them out in some specific order and began telling Mr. Arrogant what his future beheld. It's very hard for me to remember exactly what she said, but it was something along the lines of, " You will be a famous working actor, living in Los Angeles." Suprise I thought...where else do actors usually live other than NY or LA. I was not impressed and my nervousness began to subside. My mind drifted and daydreamed of the idealistic day we would have after we left this creepy place.

"Ahmm! Excuse me dear...are you ready?" "Oh! Sure!" I snapped out of my own visions of the day I hoped to come. She shuffled and layed out the cards in the same pattern she had done a few minutes before. I watched her gray eyes scan them as if trying to decipher their true meanings. "I see that you are also an actress...but this wasn't your original plan." "Something in the health care field?" "Yes, I was going to be a nurse." I replied. "This is something you would have done well with." "Sure, but I'm not doing that, so move on!" I thought. "I see 4 children in your future." "Ok..." I said...hoping she would move along with the good stuff, and stop scaring my boyfriend with visions of children. She then dropped the bomb..."You will reunite with a past lover that now resides in California." My heart stopped as I looked at Mr. Arrogant to see if he was listening. He watched with a smirk on his face as if nothing mattered other than his own fame and fortune to come. "I do not see you being the next Julia Roberts...you will work as an actress, but this is not what you will be recognized for." At that moment I was ready to flip those cards off the table and walk out the door with my CURRENT LOVER! "One more thing, she said...writing...this is what you will be recognized for...you will write something." How fabulously freakin' glamorous I thought! "Do you have any questions?" she asked. " No, no...thank you very much." I said as politely as possible. I grabbed my purse and headed for the door not looking back.

Mr. A and I walked back through the crowded streets of Manhattan to my Chelsea apartment. We discussed the readings and I laughed off what I had been told. He also agreed he would never leave the east coast and move to Cali. I sat home alone that night contemplating what I had been told, knowing that I shouldn't take it seriously...I mean it's just for fun, right? I've had many "fun" readings with friends since then...most of which I can't remember a word of what was said, but that day with Zena I cannot forget no matter how hard I've tried.

Today I live in Connecticut...married to my old lover from California. Mr. Arrogant is a working actor residing in California. I am writing...even if it is for my own entertainment...it is something I never thought I would do. I worked as an actress...and I gave it up...letting go of a future in that industry. Much more was said...most of it true...maybe it's all a conincidence. Before I moved from Manhattan I stopped by the little building that Zena lives in...but she was never available for another reading. I wanted to go once again...just to hear her tell me something different...or would she? I guess I may never know.

weekend warrior

2005-11-06T09:53:00.000-05:00

Jump in car and slam door...make sure all doors are locked and no one is hiding in the back seat.

Honey?? Yes? I'm never seeing a movie like that again.
Him: Come on, laughing, Saw 2 was great.
Me: I don't know...the older I get...the more gruesome...it seems scarier than when I was a kid.
Him: Babe, you smell that?
Me: Yes....what is that??
Him: Smells like this beater we're been borrowing from your grandparents is about to shit out.

Car: proceeds to pour smoke from hood and fill inside with smoke to not allow inside passengers to see 1inch in front of them while driving 65 on the highway.

Car slowly comes to a stop on the side of the highway, completely dark...flickering street lamp...the wind suddenly picks up speed and howls, the perfect scene for every horror film ever written.

Call AAA for tow truck.

Wait for 45 minutes, for Bob and Joe to pick us up. Put us in the back seat where they have a laptop playing scenes from, "Girls Gone Wild." Hmmm, what scary movie am I in?

Make it home safely...vow to see no more horror films...at least for a week.
Buy new car tomorrow. Whew. What a weekend.

"You know what the trouble about real life is? There's no danger music" -- Jim Carrey

my destiny please?

2005-11-03T09:59:00.000-05:00

I've spent numerous hours lately contemplating the meaning of my life. A little dramatic I know, but damn it, that's how I've been feeling. Perhaps at the moment I have too much time on my hands, but I need to feel as though I have a purpose. I fled to NYC as a wide-eyed naive teenager trying to fulfill something I felt was missing. Though I grew as a person and had experiences sufficient of two lifetimes...I do not feel as though I "found myself", or my calling. I enjoyed modeling for the traveling, but the unglamorous, superficial industry left me feeling empty. Acting school and working as an actor was a creative outlet and something I enjoyed, but a lack of passion for the "craft" was never going to take me to that next level. I'm sure we all go through our 20 something crisis...The time to grow up and make things happen. I just have a serious problem committing to a career that is not going to satisfy me on a deeper level. I've never had an issue making money or paying the bills, perhaps it sounds selfish, but I want something more. I recognize a substantial amount my homesickness is associated with this "who am I and where do I belong?". It does give me comfort reading all of your posts to see that we all are going through this letting go, change and discovering ourselves in the process. Whether it's to move or not to across the country, keeping a job you hate, having a new husband or letting go of an old love, change is what we all know too well. In a way it's exciting the unknown of the future, but sometimes I just wish there was a place we could go and have our destiny handed to us on a piece of paper with clear instructions on how to get there.

Just another morning

2005-11-01T11:07:00.000-05:00

She arose early, pushing the matted hair away from her slowly opening sleep encrusted eyes. She looked at the bright sunlight shining between the closed red velvet curtains. The fog slowly drifted from her mind...and she realized where she was. A slight pang of nostalgic memories swiftly bounded through her head. She pulled the blankets high over her and let the warmth envelop and enclose her senses.

The smell of the bold brewing coffee brought forth another unwelcome awakening from her dreams of another time. She reluctantly threw her brick heavy feet over the side of the bed and trudged to the kitchen. With a steaming cup of caffeine settled between her chilled fingers she fell into the cushy sofa to watch the early morning news. She rapidly changed the channels viewing show after show of the city she left behind. She laughed at herself thinking how ridiculous for a person to feel so addicted to a place. She wondered what it was she couldn't let go of...the place she actually left?...or was it the person she was, that she really left behind?

Her husband gathered his belongings for work and glanced over to look at his wife intently focused on the television. Her eyes were far away absorbed with some other place. He walked over, bending to kiss her good-bye on the top of her head. His dark blue eyes met hers and whispered, "everything will be OK...it always takes time." He gave her an encouraging smile and left for a demanding and different day. He also had to find his way in this new life they had chosen.

She pushed open the heavy sliding glass door to feel the unusually warm weather pour into the living room and surround her with the smells of Fall. The rocky brook down below rushed with the sounds of determination and a purpose. She looked down to see a small squirrel near the cement patio attentively digging to bury his acorn for what must be the cold winter ahead. She took a deep breath and swallowed the lump in her throat to the hollow pit encompassing her stomach.

She thought earnestly of the many things she had to be grateful for. The sun shifted to a new position in the morning sky and radiated a warm ray across her face. She recognized one of the hardest parts of life is to discover who we are and how we fit into this world.

She returned inside leaving the door open to continue enjoying what must be the last of the warm weather for the season. She sat back in the black leather chair at her computer to write. It gave her a feeling of relief to see the thoughts from her head move to the screen....
....." She arose early, pushing the matted hair away from her slowly opening sleep encrusted eyes."

Candy Night

2005-10-31T07:51:00.000-05:00

Last night I went and bought candy for trick or treaters for the first time ever. Living in Manhattan kids only go to stores to get candy. In my eight years of living there, I never had anyone ring my buzzer for some sweets. Probably better they don't....there are so many crazies you never know who might be waiting at the door. I'm looking forward to tonight though...I used to have the best time dressed up as something funny...remember "Jem and the rockers"? One year I was Jem....pink hair, microphone and all. So much fun. So bring it on tonight kids...I've got the candy! Everyone have a great night.

goodbye country road

2005-10-29T18:50:00.000-05:00

I'm home from Georgia. Nice to be back, although I'm missing the warm weather. I thought I would post a couple of pics. My sister and I bored on a 20 hour car ride...and the most beautiful sky.

Georgia oN mY mInD

2005-10-26T17:22:00.000-05:00

So I've been here in Georgia for a few days now. Shout out to Mike, (fellow blogger's home state). The weather has been lovely...75-80 and sunny. Big change from freezing and raining CT. Life moves at a slower pace here in this little town...and so do the computers. Well, at least my grandparents...I forgot what it was like to not have a cable modem...all I can say is you need a little patience. It takes me a good hour to get online just to check my email, so I'm sure you can see I'm running out of things to keep me busy if I'm online posting. I haven't been able to take any pictures of the peanut field, as I'm sure you were all so desperately waiting to see...there were no peanuts planted this year. Behind their house there is now a cotton field. It's interesting if you've never seen how cotton grows...actual little white fluffy balls on a plant. More loads of fun. Well, all sarcasm aside I must say Georgia has the most beautiful sunsets I've ever seen...the picture above is one I took the first night here. Every night it seems to be a different color.
The family drama has been kept to a minimum....only a few tears today. My grandmother seems to tell a quite different story of my mother's dramatic childhood than the one my mother actually remembers. My mother, then 5 yrs. old, was home with her soon to be stepfather one day alone. He packed a bag for her and pushed her outside for most of the day and told her to leave. He told her they were going to have new children and they wouldn't want her around anymore. My grandmother came home and he told her that my mother was trying to leave. He spanked her in front of my grandmother for lying, when she was actually telling the truth. My grandmother believed him...and tells the story almost as a joke today. My mother seems to be a bit traumatized by the event. She remembers the tiny suitcase she was forced to pack and feeling that day that no one wanted her. Everyone has their own skeletons...sometimes they are better left packed away.
I love my family...but I'm looking foward to returning home. I miss my husband...I miss my new home...and I'm happy to hear myself say for the first time...I miss Connecticut.

2005-10-21T16:11:00.000-05:00

" I dreamt last night that I had special powers. That if I squeezed my eyes tight, clenched my fists as close as possible, we'd all end up in paradise. I was a super hero, and that was my power."

Gideon Largeman: [from deleted scenes, Garden State]

"I know it hurts. But it's life, and it's real. And sometimes it fucking hurts, but it's life, and it's pretty much all we got."

Sam: [Garden State]

Peanuts anyone?

2005-10-20T10:41:00.000-05:00

This Saturday morning I'm taking a road trip. My sister, mother and I are driving from CT to Georgia to see my grandparents. They are good old fashioned southern people. As I said before, they live in a peanut field....ok, well not in it, but it's behind their house. Nashville, GA is the name of the town....and when I say country...I mean country. My cell phone doesn't even work there. The nearest stores...which consist of super walmart, super kmart...and all kinds of super marts...are a good 45 min. away. It's such a small town that last time I took a trip there the local newspaper wanted to write an article on me!....a "celebrity" in Nashville. If I'm the closest thing to a celebrity they've seen....oh no. It really is so different it's almost another world. Not in a bad way though at all. My Granny can make home cooking like no other! Everything may be fried...but damn...it's good! The people in the town are nicer than any I've ever met....and I think my Papa knows them all. It's a long drive...and an interesting vacation, but when you leave you have such a "sense" of family values...and a new appreciation for the simple things in life. I think it's a good time for me to go. Sometimes we need to be reminded that life is too short to let the little things pass us by.

100 things

2005-10-18T14:42:00.000-05:00

ALL ABOUT ME

1. I grew up in Jacksonville, Fl. People don't think of Florida as the South...all I can say is visit North FL.

2.I lived in a real live trailer when I was 5...no, not in a trailer park...just somewhere in the woods.

3.I have grandparents that live in a peanut field in Nashville, GA, yes I mean GA, not Tenn.

4.I lived in CT for my 4yrs of highschool and was made fun of for my southern accent...."where yall goin now?"...I practiced every day until I could speak without one...now I would like it back.

5.I moved to NYC the summer after highschool graduation with a backpack and $100.00.

6. My first date in NYC I was 18, and he was a model photographer...he was 36....but lied and told me he was 28...(I believed him.)

7.The next man I dated told me he was straight....he lied....( I believed him)

8. I met my husband when I was 19, I thought he was beautiful ( I still do)

9. I partied and did many drugs....my parents once found out and threatened to send me to rehab.

10. My boyfriend (husband now) and I broke up and he moved to LA for an acting job.

11. I dated a man with an STD...he lied...and never told me...no I didn't get it.

12. He dumped me and was the only person to ever break my heart and to treat me like complete shit.

13. I've dated a few famous rockstars

14. I've made out with a few famous movie stars.

15. I have three tattoos.

16. I've had many piercings...nose,ears, tounge, nipples...belly...most of which I no longer have.

17. I've had many jobs...grocery store, dry cleaners, cocktail waitress, shot girl, bartender

18. I was enrolled in nursing school before I moved to NYC to be a model.

19. I've been to acting school and to college for business

20. I still don't know what I want to do with my life.

21. My boyfriend moved back from LA and we got back together.

22. We got married June 15th 2005.

23. He was a model and soap actor that has given it all up for a quieter life and to have a family.

24. I have a younger sister...she's always been the smart one.

25. I have a younger brother, he acts very much like my father...and sometimes lacks compassion.

25. My parents divorced 2 1/2 years ago.

26. My father has cheated on my mother...probably numerous times.

27. He left my mother for a younger woman....then tried to come back.

28. My mother remarried another man this summer...I .like him.

29. In the past I have cheated on all of my boyfriends and felt no guilt.

30. I have never cheated on my husband.

31. My best friends are my mother and sister, both of whom I speak with everyday.

32. My father is engaged to "the other woman".

33. We are rebuilding our relationship.

34. My mother is a nurse.

35. My mother was raped as a child.

36. She had an addiction to morphine when I was a teenager.

37. My mother is one of the strongest people I know.

38. My dad is Jewish and my mother southern Baptist.

39. I was raised Christian for a while...then just spiritual.

40. I once wore a cross necklace in an elementary school picture, I saw the photo framed at my Jewish grandmother's house....with the cross colored over with pen.

41. I got married at city hall in NYC with a best friend as a witness...she also got married that day.

42. I hate to sing karaoke....my husband loves it. (now if I had a decent voice...that would be a different story.)

43. I moved to CT two weeks ago (oct 1, 2005) from NY.

44. I miss NY

45. when the weather is nice I'm in a better mood and it's easier to adjust to the culture change.

46. I refuse to ever get a "bob" haircut.

47. I will never own a minivan

48. Two weeks ago I could drink 10 shots of jameson in one night ( at work )- hey , I was a bartender.

49. My favorite cocktail is kettle one and club soda

50. I have not drank since I've been here...and I do not miss it

51. I do not miss my old job...or my old apartment

52. My bedtime used to be 5am...it is now around midnight.

53. I hate not having things to do...I get very anxious

54. I own three dogs...a yorkie, Boston terrier...and an epileptic chihuahua.

55. I love my new apartment.

56. I love how nice people are here.

57. I thought new yorkers were nice until I moved away.

58. I used to get angry if someone bumped into me...now I think there is just more space so it doesn't happen as often.

59. I witnessed the terrorist attacks of 9-11

60. I still have a fear of flying and will start to panic a few days before I have to

61. I have been to therapists before.

62. I really just felt like talking and wondered what it was all about...I never got anything from it thought it was a waste of money.

63. I'm a great listener.

64. Friends tell me I should be a motivational speaker...I give great encouragement.

65. I love spaghetti.

66. I love interior design. I think it's important to have a space you feel comfortable in.

67. I like things to be clean, or it makes me uncomfortable.

68. I hate arrogant people.

69. I dated a man that was 38 when I was 22. He would introduce me as "this is -------- isn't she pretty."

70. I broke up with him...I'm not an idiot.

71. I did very well in school.

72. I was a cheerleader and the captain of the cheerleading squad...but I was not a bubbly bitch.

73. I once did a photoshoot for the cover of "American Cheerleader" magazine. No they did not know I was a cheerleader in highschool.

74. I once dated the most gorgeous male model that I met during a cosmo photoshoot and dumped him because he was soooo damn boring and stupid.

75. I was once on one of those dating shows on tv. I did not like my date.

76. I donated all the money I had to hurricane katrina victims so I couldn't pay my rent that month....well, it was very late.

77. I have a great sense of humor, I love to laugh and make people laugh.

78. I watch "Extreme Home Makeover" and cry every time.

79. I love animals....hence the three dogs.

80. I just got a job selling jewelry...I start in a few weeks.

81. One of my customers at my last bar job told me I could sell ice cream to an Eskimo. ( he was drunk...but hey a compliment is a compliment)

82. I hate sweets....I don't like chocolate.

83. too many bites of sweet stuff will make me nauseous.

84. I love salty food

85. I have been very thin my whole life. Most of it as a child/teenager I was made fun of and called anorexic.

86. My nickname in highschool was twiggy...my sister was twiggy jr.

87. I have had 4 friends with bulimia.

88. I have never had an eating disorder, but have been accused of it many times.

89. I eat more than my husband...he doesn't know where I put it.

90. I have only recently become happy with my body. I am an adult and still eat anything and everything I want and stay thin...I used to hate it and wished I had more curves.

91. I think men with tattoos are sexy.

92. I think women with tattoos are sexy.

93. I've made out with a girl before...I'm not gay or bisexual.

94. I can appreciate the beauty of another woman...I am not catty.

95. I think I have a good fashion sense and I love to dress other people.

96. I would like to have children one day.

97. my husband would like a child soon.

98. I think nurturing and caring are some of my best qualities.

99. I wish I could relax more often and just be content.

100. My biggest fears are getting old...and death.

Would you like to buy some sparkles???!!

2005-10-17T12:55:00.000-05:00

I interviewed at an upscale store to do some sort of retail shit...and was immediately hired to sell jewelry. Not only have I never done retail....but I don't know much about selling jewels. You ask how did I get hired then? Call on: the actress ...this I have done! I can sit home as a housewife no longer, (today is my first day). I would like to return to school in the fall, but until then I need something to keep me busy. I want to stay away from bartending. I'm trying to have a lifestyle change, and working late and binge drinking a few nights a week was becoming a bit much. I don't start until Nov. 12, so I still have a few weeks of soap operas and vacuuming to hold me over. The excitement of suburban life continues.

And on the 13th day....The sun came out

2005-10-15T09:46:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow I will have been here for two weeks, and I swear it has been raining for 98 percent of that time! Talk about putting a damper on trying to adjust to a new place. I woke up today and it has stopped...and the forecast is predicting a little sun. That's all I need...a little sun. Everything is wet...and the brooke behind my apartment has gone from a slow trickle to a raging river....Seriously. When I open a window, or the back door, it has the sound of a huge waterfall. I guess some people pay money to have one of those sound machines that gives you recordings of this kind of stuff. I think I like it.

So I'm helping my sister move into a new apartment today. She's moving into my apartment complex....just a few buildings down. She's 25 and in grad school to be a nurse anethesist. She's moving here to be closer to school so she doesn't have such a long drive everyday. She decided to move in here with her fiance and since they've decided to break off their engagement, and live apart....at least for a few months. So today at the least should be interesting....he will be helping us move her.

Husband starts work on Monday, and I'll be home alone. I'm visiting family the last week of October in Florida and Georgia, (yes I'm a city girl, from the south- North Florida) so I won't be getting a job until November. Home alone in the suburbs. What will I do? Maybe I should start collecting pine cones for those crafts to sell on eBay....I better get started....you know what apartments in NYC go for these days??....it's gonna take a few.

Another day in Suburbia and there's nothing on t.v.

2005-10-13T17:45:00.000-05:00

I really miss NY. I knew this was going to happen...the stages of grief...I knew I was going to have them all... I was in denial for the first few days, "yeah, this is great...no problem...I won't even notice I'm in a completely different environment...Besides, I'll be so busy unpacking these 1200 boxes, I won't have time to miss NY." There are no more boxes...Nothing else to decorate, nothing else to clean, and I'm driving my husband crazy with the vacuum. Then there was anger..."Stupid husband, why did you have to get a damn good job...Stupid ass." That didn't go over too well. I bargained for a day or two..."Ok, we'll try it out for a few months...I can make some crafts or something, sell them on eBay, and make enough to keep an apartment in NY also!." Yeah right! Then last night I realized I'd reached depression. I love watching documentaries of all kinds, HBO on demand always has plenty ( hookers of vegas, prisoners of rikers). Very educational. I was watching, "Methadonia: America Undercover- A look at the flaws of legal methadone treatments for heroin addiction through case studies of several New York City addicts." All I could focus on was these people living in the city... NYC in every shot...every corner....every AA meeting. I had to turn it off...It actually made me sad...seeing the place I left behind...in all of it's guts and glory. I knew this was going to take time...more than two weeks. Hopefully acceptance isn't too far off.

Things I love....and desperately miss

2005-10-12T09:21:00.000-05:00

Things I love about CT

space, space and more space!
seeing my family a couple of times a week
the brooke behind my apartment
having a car again and not needing public transportation
learning how to just "be"...not constantly on the move
peaceful and relaxing
super nice people! (especially cashiers...they no longer throw my groceries into bags)
slower pace of life and learning how to appreciate the small things

Things I desperately miss about NYC

my little morning coffee shop
the neighbors in my old building, none of which could speak much english, but still knew my name...and the names of my dogs
walking around...just to walk, with so much to see
the "energy" of the city
the attitude of new yorkers
fast pace of life...and knowing that anything is possible that day

I'm still having homesickness...mainly at night. But I've only been here for a week, I'm keeping an open mind. I have to keep reminding myself that we moved here to have a better way of life, for us! So those of you that would take the city any day over this...I understand, and I feel you!! I am here to be near family...to have my own family. I love NYC and I'm having major withdrawls....I feel I need a support group. My name is City...and I'm an addict.

pics

2005-10-10T12:39:00.000-05:00

So I charge the camera batteries...and it's raining and dark out...so here are a few boring pics. It's a 2 bed/2 bath...decent size apartment. Husband built a little fence in the back to keep the dogs in...and that is the brooke behind us...though since it's raining it's hard to see how beautiful it really is. I'll have to take more later.

so far so good

2005-10-09T09:26:00.000-05:00

It's been a week now since my move to the suburbs. I still don't think it has fully sunk in. I used to come here all the time to visit family for vacation, so it still just seems like I'll be going back to the city any day now. I have to admit that I'm a little more comfortable than I thought I would be. I figured I would be anxious and depressed for a while, but so far so good. I do have my occasional feelings of homesickness...but for the most part I'm ok. I finally found my camera charger, so I'll take some pics today and post them. Life moves at a slower pace, which is probably good for my health! I need to learn to sit down for a minute and just "be". I'm the kind of person that always has to be doing something, I don't know how to take a break. Seeing as I'm jobless now, I'm going to have to learn. Husband starts his new job next Monday, then I'll be home alone. He loves it here by the way. It couldn't be any better. I guess thats all the excitement for now...I have to go buy a new vacuum...oh god...just call me martha.

I'm here!

2005-10-04T09:26:00.000-05:00

So I've been in my new apartment for two days now. The move was exhausting! I finally felt a little emotional...at 4am at my job, saying good bye to my friends. They brought me cake and crystal champagne, it was all very sweet. I felt a little teary...and wondered if I was making a mistake. Today I'm a little more settled in though, still a few boxes to unpack, but for the most part it's all done. The apartment is great, I really do love it. Outside my back door it's very private with trees and a brooke running by...it's beautiful, and yes the dogs love it. Husband also thinks he's in Heaven. He was really ready to leave Manhattan. I know I'll have a little more adjusting to do, but for the most part, I'm happy. I'll post some pics as soon as I can take some....or find my camera.

one down...two to go

2005-09-30T11:55:00.000-05:00

So I made it through another night of work...feeling exhausted..and not looking forward to another night...then another...I'm just telling myself two more and it's over for good. At 4am tonight I'll be almost there. It was really nice yesterday though, many of my regular customers brought me flowers and expressed how much they would miss me...very nice, but I'm sure any new girl pouring drinks will be just the same. I really can't predict how I will be feeling on Sunday, when we're driving away....looking back over my shoulder to see NYC slowly diminish in the horizon. Ok...I'm being a bit dramatic. I thought I would feel a little more...sad maybe? ....about leaving my job. I've known these people for 3 years....I look around every night there and say, "wow...I'll miss this, wont I?" Then I don't have the feelings to match. I guess thats when you know you're really ready to let go....it just happens.

Daydream: I can't believe there will really be grass...

2005-09-29T11:20:00.000-05:00

I know my dogs will be happy when we move to the new place...concrete walks just don't cut it. It's funny how things happen. I received an email yesterday from a production company I worked with saying one of our films is doing really well, and it will be in Blockbuster, and is already on Netflix. Ok not a big deal to others I'm sure, but a film going to the video store is great. So many are made that go nowhere! I've even gotten calls for new auditions, and it all happens when I decide to let it go. Isn't that just the way life works? Whatever, I made my decision and I'm sticking to it. I have 3 more nights of bartending, and then it's gone for good. Thankfully! It's a fun job, and the money is more than amazing, you wouldn't believe! But I am really just so over it. I only work there 2 days a week, but even that is enough. I have a friend that is away in Rome this week, so I'm covering his shift tomorrow night. So three days in a row of working until 4am...great NYC, we're always open till 4. Sunday morning we are started to move around 7am, so I'm sure I will be so pleasant to be around...watch out! I'll take lots of pics...as I always do....

what are they teaching in school these days?

2005-09-28T11:28:00.000-05:00

So I get up this morning from the worst sleep I've ever had. Moving furniture and packing boxes has stirred up an unbelievable amount of dust! And I am a clean freak. My apartment is always spotless...but I guess this stuff was hiding under things. So my eyes are itchy and I sneeze every two seconds, it's awful! I head to the drugstore to pick up some benadryl and more cleaning products and I'm walking down my street and get hit in the back with a football. I add to my checklist another reason I'm happy to be leaving NY. Let me explain...I live next door to an elementary school. During recess, they block off the street and allow the little tyrants to play in the street! I have never been so harrassed in my life, and by freakin' kids! Not even the neighborhood crazies are as bad. Who raises these little monsters?? I've had little girls circle me chanting, "go suck a dick bitch!" This happens on a regular basis. Today, during my sneezing fit they just thought it would be a riot to throw a football at my head. So damn funny you little shits. Good riddens!

WO Nelly!

2005-09-27T21:51:00.000-05:00

5 Days and counting until the big move! Still packing...cleaning, nothing exciting. Mom is ok too by the way. The cyst was benign! Thank God! But I guess because she even had a cyst with atypical cells she's at a higher risk for getting cancer later on. So keep up on those gyno visits ladies! Thanks for all of your well wishes, much appreciated!

I want to be a Ballerina when I grow up.

2005-09-26T09:49:00.000-05:00

What? It's too late?? I'm grown up already? Damn it! I hate when that happens! So really...my latest pondering is what career I want to go into, now that I'm leaving Manhattan. For the past 8 yrs. I was modeling and acting. I've had some success...mostly a lot of independent films that get made and disappear into the indie film black hole never to be seen again...unless of course you become famous...then they resurface to haunt you....ie: Jennifer Aniston in leprechaun, need I say more? As for the modeling, I have a great portfolio and magazine tearsheats....enough to make Granny proud that she can keep in a drawer and embarrass me with friends and neighbors. Before I moved to NYC, after graduating high school, I was enrolled at UCONN nursing school. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do, so it was an easy choice...just to choose what my mother does...she's an RN. When I had the opportunity to move to NY and travel around the world...it all sounded so glamorous. There were times when it was, I saw amazing things...met interesting people. I did have to grow up very quickly though, there is so much about the business that fits every stereo type you've ever heard. It's a very fast paced life...no time to stop and appreciate what is really important. It is a rat race. You're only as good as your last job. It didn't make me happy...and I have no drive to get ahead. To make it in the business you have to have a passion for it, and understand that you may never make it. You could eat Ramen for the next 10yrs...and may never get a big break...but thats still ok. All the more power to the people that hold out for that.....the small chance...that it could happen. So back to what I want to do now?? The thought of 9-5's scare me...but maybe I'm just scared of the unknown...something I've never done. I will go back to school to finish my degree....I just need to figure out what kind of degree I'm going to get.

crap stuff and more shit...

2005-09-23T12:58:00.000-05:00

I think you never know how much stuff you really have until you move. I have so much just plain crap shoved into corners, under the bed, in the closets....cabinets... I really started packing today...already have huge boxes filled, and the apartment still looks full. Husband says when we pick up the Uhaul, we'll have it all out within an hour max...he's nuts! I give it three....if we're on speed with 10 people helping. My brother is coming to help...and thats all. Yeah, we'll see... Surgery went ok with mom yesterday. She wont find out the results until Tuesday, but the doctor thinks it's benign...I'll feel relieved after hearing the results.

waiting is the worst!

2005-09-22T09:41:00.000-05:00

My mother is at the hospital now having surgery. She went to the doctor for a lump she found in her breast.... they did a biopsy to find a-typical cells. They can't tell if it's cancerous or not, so they want to go in and remove it all and get a closer look. It's a scary thing. I hate waiting...I"m not sure when she'll be out, but hopefully I will hear soon. I know a few girls that have all found lumps in their breasts and they all turned out to be nothing, so I'm praying!! Husband and I picked up boxes yesterday. We need to start packing sometime soon. I think we have more stuff than we realize. We have decided Oct.2 is going to be moving day. I'm not so nervous anymore. More excited...hopefully that will last.

Breakin' the news...

2005-09-20T10:09:00.000-05:00

So last night I met some people out that I work with for my belated bday/ "break the news I'm moving" get together. By the way, I bartend part time. I went out thinking how depressing it was. The weather felt great...people were out walking around...damn I was going to miss all of this. Then I got to the bar to see so many people show up, just to see me, and I thought, "wow, I'm lucky." How could I possibly leave this? But then after a few kettle and sodas...even a few shots of Jameson...I quickly grew bored! I was ready to go home to see Husband who was sleeping....he works early. I love my friends here, but I'm ready to move on. Just as they would if the opportunity ever came up. After hugs, kisses, and promises of visits...to what seems like another world to New Yorkers....I walked...ok stumbled, out of the bar and felt good that I was headed for something new....with a freakin headache.

New Place

2005-09-19T09:59:00.000-05:00

I thought I would show a few pics of the new place....it really is beautiful....I can at least say that much. These are pics from the apartment website...but it really does look the same in person, picturesque!

Shakin in my Manolos'

2005-09-19T09:42:00.000-05:00

So yesterday Husband and I put a deposit on a new apartment in CT. He has decided to accept the job. It seems like the most positive move we can make in our lives now....so why am I soooo damn scared!? I've been in NYC since I was 18....and it's been one long party. I came here modeling and acting, and had a great time. There are more important things to me in life now, and I am no longer satisfied with an unstable career. When you're in the entertainment industry sometimes you have a few great months, working and making money....but then you never know when the next job is coming. I would like to know that there is a paycheck coming every week....at least some kind of stability. It has also given me a distorted self image...I always feel sooo old. It's not so much that every other actor is younger than me, most people here lie about their age, and I have too. So I'm admitting it now...I'm 27 yrs. old! Husband is also dying to have a kid....and with our apartment now, it would have to sleep in the bathtub...and play catch on the fire escape. I guess CT is not so far either....if I start having withdrawls....NY is just a short ride, a state away. I think all this talk is trying to calm my nerves right now! It's definitely going to take some getting used to. We may be going as soon as two weeks.....ahhhhh.

One day closer...

2005-09-17T22:23:00.000-05:00

So today is my birthday. I'm in CT staying with my sister...spent some time with the mother and new step dad...tomorrow some time with Dad...and soon to be step mom. Still so strange, they only divorced two years ago. Whatever, as long as they're happy.

Husband and I looked at a few apartments today. Very big...and great prices....but you could sell me a shoe box with a bottle cap filled with water, and tell me it was a luxury pad with a pool, and I'd believe you. After 9 years in Manhattan, your judge of a good deal becomes a bit distorted. They did offer Husband a job at one of the companies he interviewed with, the pay is good. We are still feeling hesitant though. Change is hard. Exciting, but hard. Can I really leave the city? I probably will. And I will probably cry for the first month. I will probably be bored...and I will probably try to run back at least 5 times before I settle in. I think I'm up for the challenge.

Off to bed....
Happy Birtday to me....
one day closer...
to being a real adult...
to finding myself...
to a new life...

Is your grass greener?

2005-09-15T11:28:00.000-05:00

So I need to know now? Do you have greener grass than me??....I don't want my husband lookin in the future! So I just spoke with one of my best friends, that lives in LA LA land (los angeles people) and she informed me of what a horrible person she was. She cheated on her live in boyfriend of years...and they own a house together, so thats pretty damn close to married. This is the same little girl I met 9 years ago....living with a husband that cheated on her....something she would never ever do. After great persistent reasoning, she finally left that shit hole drug dealing cheating of a man....and moved on. It just made me think is there anyone that would honestly never cheat, given the perfect situation...person...environment...cocktail? Do you ever really know someone? Are our eyes always open to what we don't have? I've been cheated on....I've cheated...not proud, but it happens....never cheated on my husband....and am proud of that! My father cheated on my mother...aunts, uncles...who doesn't cheat??? Tell me? Does anyone anywhere...years and years down the road, ever lose the urge...or idea, that life would only be better if? My dad thought the grass was greener....only to find out it may be green and new...but not without the proper care too! I'm just ranting now...I don't judge...everyone has their own reasoning behind their actions. My friend is moving out of her home now....and for the first time in a long time, she is feeling in control of her life...making decisions for herself....thats definitely an improvement from the meek girl I met so many years ago. So maybe we do learn something from our mistakes....or maybe they are not mistakes... I wonder the statistic of people that have cheated and had life turn out better than it was before....or how many people think it was the biggest mistake?

Remembering September 11th...

2005-09-14T13:48:00.000-05:00

So everyone has their own story, from being there to watching on tv....how it felt and still affects them today. For the past few days, actually years, this event stands strong in my mind...and spirit. Here is my story... It was 8am and I was downtown, working P.R. for a company and had just arrived at work....A little later on, one of my co-workers that had a sister working at a local hospital, called him to say a plane had hit a tower and they were getting ready to assist anyone that was hurt that would be rushed in. We ran out of the building to see for ourselves. Right in plain view...I looked up to see smoke billowing from one of the buildings and a gaping hole. I gasped...shocked and scared. I immediately called my father, he seems to know what to say to make sense of things....at this point we thought it was an accident. The phone call was hard to get through, we didn't realize why the cells weren't working. But finally I heard his voice and cried, "Dad, the people above the hole!, how will they get out?!" This comment sticks in my mind, I had no idea how bad it would get. I saw another aircraft coming towards the buildings...and in my mind all I thought was rescue....or something to put out the fire. Seeing the explosion of the plane crashing into the other building, I realized how wrong I was. We heard on car radios that we were under attack. My heart raced not knowing what would happen next! My coworkers and I grabbed our things and began to walk, there was no transportation...we just had to get out of the area. We were running...as we kept stopping to look behind us....it all seemed to happen so fast....people were jumping...falling...people were running covered in soot....everything was so surreal. I was passing hundreds of people on the street, I was walking fast...but felt like I wasn't moving...I saw a girl I went to highschool with....supermodels on the street, celebrities....just running past all of these people like a dream. I turned around again to look back....everything was quiet...all of our eyes on the same thing. We all screamed and dropped to our knees, and our hearts sank as we saw the clouds of crumbling debris as the buildings finally collapsed. I can't explain or describe what it was like to see it....nor can I describe what it was like for the people who were running out of these buildings. As horrible as it was to be there, I'm happy I was. I was part of NY, and I was here to support everyone and this city in it's time of need. I still love it here with all of my heart, its one of if not the greatest city in the world. I can no longer fly without having panic attacks...I'm not afraid of highjackers...just seeing planes explode has embedded a fear in my subconcious that I'm not sure will ever leave. The months after the attack were the most touching. The way people came together...New Yorkers helping each other, saying hello on the street...just a smile to let each other know how connected were are. I was so proud to be a part of that. So my friends that were there, and everyone in the country that shared our pain, we'll never forget, and thats a promise.

Not gonna happen.

2005-09-14T12:06:00.000-05:00

So my dreams of being a full time shoe buyer (for myself) have gone down the drain. My husband didn't get the "amazing job". Due to lack of experience for that particular location, they are still interested in him....but want us to maybe relocate somewhere else. The only reason we have chosen to leave NYC was to be closer to family, and have more space. But to move to another state...with no city...and know no one?? Please!!

Friday morning he still has a meeting with the second company, that have basically offered him the job....doesn't pay as much as the first...which sucks...but it still pays well. I joke about sitting around doing nothing....being a housewife with a sugardaddy....but I would hate it! I would be bored out of my mind. So I'll go back to school, finish getting my degree...in something, and make a damn good life for myself. So look out CT, here I come.

Holy Cow...

2005-09-13T14:01:00.000-05:00

So last night I dreamed of the suburbs...well, what I thought was the suburbs....I think it was more the country...since I was alone with a cow. That may sound discouraging...but I'm actually excited at the prospect of a new life. I do love the city, but I think I'll love even more having family nearby, BBQ's- that don't take place hanging out your window on a fire escape, or someone's tar roof top. A yard for my dog's to play in, though when we go on vacation they have to find concrete to pee on....so not accostomed to grass!

My husband hasn't heard from the "amazing job opportunity." But he did hear from another company...still great, but having someone dangle an offer of a lot of money in front of your face, it takes a minute to get used to the other job again. We're going to CT this weekend, for my birtday and for him to have a final interview with this other company to dicuss final considerations.

On another note....can you go through withdrawls from stopping birth control pills? I was told my body probably needed a break after taking them for 10 years...wow, that seems like a long time...since my mother first asked me how far I had "gotten" with my highschool boyfriend. Please mom! Third base, OK?!! Time for the pill she said...better than babies. And here I am today....three days sober...(from my pills)....and I think my body is craving! Headaches....oh lord....maybe I'm just imagining...maybe just one more pill...

You can take the girl out of the city...but you can't take the sOuL

2005-09-12T09:23:00.000-05:00

So today may be the day. Hopefully my husband will hear if he got this amazing job opportunity in CT. I can't even believe we are even considering moving out of NYC. After 9 years here, 9 long years......9 amazingly eventful years.....I am thinking of moving to the suburbs!! Bigger living spaces....trees....cleaner air....better to have kids....trees.....blah blah blah. I'm actually very torn. I love Manhattan with all of my soul. I live and breathe city streets, shopping, deli coffee, 24 hr. food delivery....partying till 4am...then after hours....the diversity of the people....the crazy possiblity that any given day, you do not and can not predict what will happen....who you will meet. I came here a teenager....wide eyed with big dreams. I'm leaving.....smarter, more cultured, a critical thinker, compassionate....and a little jaded. I'm no longer a child, but this Saturday will be 27 and a newlywed of a couple of months. Thank you New York....for taking me in, making me one of your own....and sending me off in true NY fashion....with a big heart, great style and a chip on my shoulder.